A young single guy is on a cruise ship, having the time of his life.
   On the second day of the cruise, the ship slams into an iceberg and
   begins to sink. Passengers around him are screaming, flailing, and
   drowning but our guy manages to grab on to a piece of driftwood and,
   using every last ounce of strength, swims a few miles through the
   shark-infested sea to a remote island.
   
   Sprawled on the shore nearly passed out from exhaustion, he turns his
   head and sees a woman lying near him, unconscious, barely breathing.
   She's also managed to wash up on shore from the sinking ship. He makes
   his way to her, and with some mouth-to-mouth assistance he manages to
   get her breathing again. She looks up at him, wide-eyed and grateful
   and says, "My God, you saved my life!"
   
   He suddenly realizes the woman is Cindy Crawford!
   
   Days and weeks go by. Cindy and our guy are living on the island
   together. They've set up a hut, there's fruit on the trees, and
   they're in heaven. Cindy's fallen madly in love with our man, and
   they're making passionate love morning, noon and night.
   
   Alas, one day she notices he's looking kind of glum.
   "What's the matter, sweetheart?" she asks, "We have a wonderful life
   together, I'm in love with you. Is there something wrong? Is there
   anything I can do?"
   
   He says, "Actually, Cindy, there is. Would you mind, putting on my
   shirt?"
   
   "Sure," she says, "if it will help." He takes off his shirt and she
   puts it on.
   
   "Now would you put on my pants?" he asks.
   
   "Sure, honey, if it's really going to make you feel better," she says.
   
   "Okay, would you put on my hat now, and draw a little mustache on your
   face?" he asks.
   
   "Whatever you want, sweetie," she says, and does.
   
   Then he says, "Now, would you start walking around the edge of the
   island?"
   
   She starts walking around the perimeter of the island. He sets off in
   the other direction. They meet up half way around the island a few
   minutes later. He rushes up to her, grabs her by the shoulders, and
   says, "Dude! You'll never believe who I'm sleeping with!"
   

A blind guy goes into a whore house. A girl takes him upstairs and starts 
giving him a blowjob.
He says to her, "Excuse me, aren't you Karen Carlton, and didn't you go to 
Cardozo High School in Detroit?"
"Yes. How'd you know?"
"I never forget a face." 

    Are computers males or females? You decide.
   TOP 5 REASONS WHY COMPUTERS MUST BE MALE:
   5. They're heavily dependent on external tools and equipment.
   4. They periodically cut you off right when you think you've
   established a network connection.
   3. They'll usually do what you ask them to do, but they won't do more
   than they have to and they won't think of it on their own.
   2. They're typically obsolete within five years and need to be traded
   in for a new model. Some users, however, feel they've already invested
   so much in the damn machine that they're compelled to remain with an
   under powered system.
   1. They get hot when you turn them on, and that's the only time you
   have their attention.
   FIVE REASONS COMPUTERS MUST BE FEMALE:
   5. No one but their creator understands their logic.
   4. Even the smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory for
   future reference.
   3. The native language used to communicate with other computers is
   incomprehensible to everyone else.
   2. The message, "Bad command or filename," is about as informative as
   "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to
   tell you."
   1. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending
   half your paycheck on accessories for it.\

For all animal lovers out there:

How do you make a cat go 'woof'? 
Soak it in petrol, and set it on fire. 

and...

How do you make a dog go 'miaow'? 
Freeze it in liquid nitrogen, and run it through a bandsaw...

A group of chess enthusiasts had checked into a hotel,
and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent
tournament victories. After about an hour,the manager
came out of the office and asked them to disperse.
"But why?", they asked, as they moved off.
"Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting
in an open foyer."