Little Johnny comes home from school with a note from his teacher,
   indicating that
   "Johnny seems to be having some difficulty with the difference between
   boys and girls,"
   and would his mother,"please sit down and have a talk with Johnny
   about this."
   So johnny's mother takes him quietly, by the hand, upstairs to her
   bedroom,and closes the door.
   - first, johnny, I want you to take off my blouse.
   So he unbuttons her blouse and takes it off.
   - ok, now take off my skirt...
   And he takes off her skirt.
   - now take off my bra.
   Which he does.
   - and now, johnny, please take off my panties.
   And when johnny finishes removing those, she says,
   "Johnny, PLEASE don't wear any of my clothes to school any more!"
   

What did one gay sperm say to the other? 

     - I can't find my way through all this shit. 

Why did the one-handed man cross the road?


                    To get to the second hand shop.

   A man goes into a greasy spoon-type cafe and he says, "I would like
   one of your special
   full English breakfasts". "No problem." Comes the greasy little fat
   girls reply from behind
   the counter. "But I want it MY way." says the man.
   "What do you mean your way?" comes the reply.
   The man says, "well, I what the eggs only just about done so they look
   like I have snotted
   on them." he says. "I want the baked beans done so they are baking hot
   on the top, and
   freezing cold on the bottom. I want the bacon stuck to the plate with
   grease, with more rind
   than actual bacon. I want fried bread so greasy that the grease
   trickles in to the snotty egg
   and beans."
   "I dont have the time to do all that!" came the reply from the greasy
   little fat girl.
   "WELL YOU FUCKING HAD TIME YESTERDAY!!!!!!!" came the reply.
   

A man was leaving church one day. The Pastor was standing at the door (as 
he always is) to shake hands with members of the congregation. He grasped 
the man by the hand and pulled him aside. The Pastor said to him,
"You need to join the Army of the Lord!"
The man replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor."
Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and 
Easter?"
He whispered back, "Shhhhhhhhh. I'm in the secret service."