One year at halloween the governor was giving a costume 
party.  All the gentry were there and as they arrived the 
doorman would announce what there characters were.

When one couple arrived he announced "Mickey and Minnie 
Mouse".

As the next couple arrived he announced "Tarzan and Jane" 
and so on as each guest arrived.

Later in the evening a man arrived dressed only in a pair of 
underpants but apart from that totally naked from head to toe.

"Who do you think you are?" demanded the doorman.  Having 
ascertained that the man was indeed an invited guest from the 
local university CS department The doorman asked "How 
shall I announce you?"

The man said, "I'm premature ejaculation"

"I'm very sorry sir", said the doorman in obvious shock, "I 
cannot announce anything like that to such a gathering."

"O.K." said the professor.  "Just say I came in my pants"

Why is a man at his smartest when he is having sex? 

     Because he's plugged into a woman! 

An Arab diplomat visiting the US for the first time was
being wined and dined by the State Department. The Grand
Emir was unused to the salt in American foods (french
fries, cheeses, salami, anchovies etc.) and was constantly
sending his manservant Abdul to fetch him a glass of water.
Time and again, Abdul would scamper off and return with a
glass of water, but then came the time when he returned
empty-handed.
"Abdul, you son of an ugly camel, where is my water?"
demanded the Grand Emir.
"A thousand pardons, O Illustrious One," stammered the
wretched Abdul, "white man sit on well."

Vicar: Whats that you're doing, Tommy?
Tommy: Sticking bangers up frogs arses, Vicar.
Vicar: Rectum, Tommy.
Tommy: Blows 'em to fucking pieces, Vicar! 

Why are girls like pianos?

When they're not upright, they're grand...