What is the difference between an oral and rectal thermometer? 

     The taste. 

An old italian couple is walking around in the mall. After
a while they get separated so the woman goes up to the first 
saleswoman she sees and ask: "Escusa me, have you senn-a 
me Tony. He's got a big-a belly and a-lots of curly black hair?" 

The saleswoman answers that she hasn't seen her husband.

So the Italian woman goes to aks another saleswoman: 
"Escusa me, have you senn-a me Tony. He's got a big-a belly 
and a-lots of curly black hair?" 

"No, I'm sorry maam, I haven't seen your husband."

The Italian woman goes to see one more saleswoman and ask: 
"Escusa me, have you senn-a me Tony. He's got a big-a belly 
and a-lots of curly black hair?" 

The saleswoman answers: "Yes I saw him, he ran out of here 
lickety split."

To which the Italian woman answers: "No no no, that's not-a 
my tony, he pinch-a the bum, grab-a the breasts but he no 
lickety split!"

It was a dark, stormy, night. The Marine was on his first
assignment, and it was guard duty.
A General stepped out taking his dog for a walk. The nervous
young Private snapped to attention, made a perfect salute,
and snapped out "Sir, Good Evening, Sir!"
The General, out for some relaxation, returned the salute
and said "Good evening soldier, nice night, isn't it?"
Well it wasn't a nice night, but the Private wasn't going to
disagree with the General, so the he saluted again and
replied "Sir, Yes Sir!".
The General continued, "You know there's something about a
stormy night that I find soothing, it's really relaxing.
Don't you agree?"
The Private didn't agree, but them the private was just a
private, and responded "Sir, Yes Sir!"
The General, pointing at the dog, "This is a Golden Retriever,
the best type of dog to train."
The Private glanced at the dog, saluted yet again and said
"Sir, Yes Sir!"
The General continued "I got this dog for my wife."
The Private simply said "Good trade Sir!" 

How to Hunt Elephants -- Sales Style

Salespeople don't hunt elephants but spend their time
selling elephants they haven't  caught, for delivery two
days before the season opens.  Software salespeople ship the
first thing they catch and write up an invoice for an
elephant.  Hardware salespeople catch rabbits, paint them
gray and sell them as "desktop elephants."

Sent by Alex

SILVIA: Dad, can you write in the dark?
FATHER: I think so. What do you want me to write?
SYLVIA: Your name on this report card.