Have you heard about the new line of Tampax with bells and tinsel?

It's for the Christmas period. 

Two nuns go to a restaurant to have dinner. They notice Rocky
Mountain Oysters on the menu and wondered what that was.
They ask the waiter who replies "Oh Sister, those are nuts." 
She answers "Do you mean like the kind you crack with a rock?"
"No. The kind you rock on a crack." 

A famous hypnotist was performing in a large auditorium full of students one
night. He began to speak in a soft and steady voice over the loud-speaker
system. "Listen to the sound of my voice...", he kept repeating, "the sound
of my voice... every word is a command... the sound of my voice..." Pretty
soon, he had every single student in the audience completely mesmerized, each
one hanging on his every word.

Needing to take a quick piss, he announced "I will have to leave the stage
for a moment, but you will all remain in a trance while I am gone" And then
he repeated the words "the sound of my voice... every word is a command." As
he turned to go, he tripped over the  microphone cord, landed on his butt,
and yelled "SHIT!"

A guy rings work and says "I can`t come in to work today as I`m sick"
The voice at the other end asks "How sick are you ??"
The guy says "Well I`m in bed with my 12 year old son !!"

A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street 
with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop 
pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously 
drunk."

Our wasted friend asked, "Ociffer, are ya absolutely sure I'm 
drunk?"

Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."

Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I 
thought I was a cripple."