Why haven't Women landed on the Moon? 

     - Because it doesn't need cleaning yet! 

   A little boy walks up to his father and says, "Dad, what does a pussy
   look like?"
   Father responds, "well son, before or after sex?"
   Son, "Well, before?"
   Father, "picture a tulip with all the petals son."
   Son, "well what about after?"
   Father, "Picture a bull dog eating mayonnaise!"
   

Young Amanpreet never quite got over his miserable 
childhood as an orphan in the ghetto.  When he turned 18 he
joined the Marines, but old habits die hard and one night the
sergeant found him rummaging around the garbage and eating
out of the discarded cans and jars.

"On your free, Lizard Pecker," he bellowed.  "You'll eat in 
the message hall -- you're no better than the rest of us!"

There's this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish
who kept confessing to adultery. One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said,
"If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!" 

Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone
who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen."

This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the
priest died at a ripe old age. About a week after the new priest
arrived, he visited the mayor of the town and seemed very concerned.

The priest said, "You have to do something about the sidewalks in
town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about
having fallen." 

The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new
priest about the code word.

Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at
the mayor and said, "I don't know what you're laughing about, your
wife fell three times this week."

Guy goes to hell and is met by the devil, who explains that the 
punishments are changed every thousand years and he is to 
select his first punishment. 

First room has a young guy on the wall being whipped. The 
new guy not keen on this asks to see the next room. The next 
room has a middle aged guy being tortured with fire. 

The new guy immediately asks to see the third room. It has an 
really old guy chained to the wall getting a blow job from a 
gorgeous blonde. 

The guy jumps at the chance and takes the room. 

The devil walks into the room taps the blonde on the shoulder 
and says "okay, you can stop now.  You've been relieved".