There once was a girl of Siam
Who said to her lover, young Kiam
"If you take me, of course,
You must do it by force
But, thank God, you're stronger than I am." 

The Night Before Christmas



Twas the night before Christmas, 
And all through the house, 
Everybody felt shitty, 
Even the mouse.

With mom at the whore house
And Dad smoking grass,
I'd just settled down 
For a nice piece of ass.

When out on the lawn 
I heard such a clatter,
I sprung from my piece
To see what was the matter.

Then out on the lawn,
I saw a big dick,
And I knew in a moment
That it must be Saint Nick.

He came down the chimney 
Like a bat out of hell,
And I knew right away
That the fucker had fell.

He filled all our stockings 
With pretzels and beer,
And a big rubber dick
For my brother, the queer.

He rose up the chimney
With a thunderous fart; 
The damn son of a bitch
Blew the chimney apart!

He swore and he cursed,
As he rode out of sight,
"Piss on you all,
And have a hell of a night!"

Mary had a little lamb (The sad European version)

Mary had a little lamb,
its coat was full off fleas,
but even worse the little cunt
had foot and mouth disease.

Mary had a little lamb,
its mouth was full of blisters,
but now its on a bonfire,
with all its brothers and sisters.

Sent by Jack

RELATIVES

Many many years ago when I was twenty three, 
I got married to a widow who was pretty as could be. 
This widow had a grown-up daughter 
Who had hair of red. 
My father fell in love with her, 
And soon the two were wed. 

This made my dad my son-in-law 
And changed my very life. 
My daughter was my mother, 
For she was my father's wife. 

To complicate the matters worse, 
Although it brought me joy, 
I soon became the father 
Of a bouncing baby boy. 

My little baby then became 
A brother-in-law to dad. 
And so became my uncle, 
Though it made me very sad. 

For if he was my uncle, 
Then that also made him brother 
To the widow's grown-up daughter 
Who, of course, was my step-mother. 

Father's wife then had a son, 
Who kept them on the run. 
And he became my grandson, 
For he was my daughter's son. 

My wife is now my mother's mother 
And it makes me blue. 
Because, although she is my wife, 
She's my grandmother too. 

If my wife is my grandmother, 
Then I am her grandchild. 
And every time I think of it, 
It simply drives me wild. 

For now I have become 
The strangest case you ever saw. 
As the husband of my grandmother, 
I am my own grandpa! 

There was a young lady from Waste 
            Who fled from a man in some haste. 
                She tripped as she ran, 
                And fell flat on her pan--- 
            She sometimes still dreams that she's chaste.