The bartender asks him "What'll you have?". The guy answers, 
"A scotch, please". The bartender hands him the drink, and 
says "That'll be five dollars", to which he replies "What are 
you talking about? I don't owe you anything for this".

A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, 
then says to the bartender, "You know, he's got you there. In 
the original offer, which consitutes a binding contract upon 
acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration". The 
bartender's not impressed, but says to the guy, "Okay, you 
beat me for a drink. But don't ever let me catch you in here 
again".

The next day, same guy walks into the bar. Bartender says, 
"What the hell are you doing in here? I can't believe you've 
got the audacity to come back!". 

The guy says "What are you talking about? I've never been in 
this place in my life", to which the bartender replies "I'm 
very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double."

To which the guy replies "Thank you! Make it a scotch."

What's the worst part about getting a lung transplant?
The first couple of times you cough, its not your phlegm...

A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for
something to eat. He came across two men. One was sitting
under a tree and reading a book; the other was typing
away on his typewriter. The lion quickly pounced on the
man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of
the jungle knows that readers digest and writers cramp. 

    A LIGHTER LOOK AT MARRIAGE 

   Getting married is very much like going to a continental restaurant
   with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the
   other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.
   At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing
   your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied, "Yes I am,
   I married the wrong man."
   Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is really finished.
   Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his bachelor's degree
   and the woman gets her master's.
   A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get
   married?" And the father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying
   for it."
   Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man
   doesn't know his wife until he marries her? Dad: That happens in most
   countries, son.
   Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was
   until I got married; and then it was too late.
   When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a ten-year
   married man looks happy - we wonder why.
   Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the
   man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks
   and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the
   neighbors listen.
   After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool
   when I married you." And the husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in
   love and didn't notice it."
   A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he
   received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can
   have mine."
   When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of
   one thing: either the car is new or the wife.
   How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your
   laundry done free.
   The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget
   it once.
   When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let
   him keep her. - Sacha Guitry
   Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in
   Europe. - Jackie Mason
   Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second
   marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

I went out with my girlfriend and asked her,
"Why is it everytime I go out with you, I end up
spending hundreds of dollars?"

"Because I'm a prostitute."