An off-duty police officer, familiar with radar guns,
drove through a school zone within the legal speed limit
when the flash of a camera went off, taking a picture of
his license plate.

The officer, thinking the radar was in error, drove by again;
even more slowly.  Another flash.  He did it again for a third
time, at an even slower speed.  Same result.

"This guy must have screwed up the settings," the off-duty
officer thought.

A few weeks later, when he received the violations in the mail,
he discovered three traffic tickets:

Each for not wearing a seat belt!

If Apple made toasters...
It would do everything the Microsoft toaster does, but 5 years
earlier. The toast would make a little smiley face at you when
it popped up, or else it would get stuck and there would be a
little picture of a bomb burned onto it. If they break, these
toasters would require a special set of MacToaster Tools to
even open up. Worldwide market share would only be 5%, but all
the bread in school lunches would be exclusively toasted on
the MacToaster.

   "Father! Father! An old man on crutches walked up to the holy water a
   minute ago, and he
   splashed some on his right leg and then he threw away his right
   crutch! Then he splashed
   some more on the other leg and threw away his left crutch!" "My boy,
   you've witnessed a
   miracle! What happened then?" "He fell on his ass Father he's a
   cripple you know!"
   

Q: Why do cavemen drag women by the hair instead of ankles?
A: So they don't fill up with rocks!!!

A man is struck by a bus on a busy street in in New York City.
He lies dying on the sidewalk as a crowd of spectators gathers around.

"A priest. Somebody get me a priest!" the man gasps. A policeman
checks the crowd----no priest, no minister, no man of God of any kind.

"A PRIEST, PLEASE!" the dying man says again. Then out of the
crowd steps a little old Jewish man of at least eighty years of age.

"Mr. Policeman," says the man, "I'm not a priest. I'm not even
a Catholic. But for fifty years now I'm living behind St. Elizabeth's
Catholic Church on First Avenue, and every night I'm listening
to the Catholic litany. Maybe I can be of some comfort to this man."

The policeman agreed and brought the octogenarian over to where
the dying man lay. He kneels down, leans over the injured and says
in a solemn voice:

"Under the B, 4. Under the I, 19. Under the N, 38.
Under the G, 54. Under the O, 72. . ."