What's 18 inches long and makes women scream all night ?

Crib death.

What is green and eats nuts? 

    Herpes! 

What's the difference between white onions, brown onions and a 30 centimeter
dick?

Nothing....  They all make your eyes water.

A MAN'S SCHEDULE 
1. Get up. 
2. Pass gas. 
3. Drink cup of black coffee. 
4. Pass gas. 
5. Dress, skipping shower because "alarm didn't work". 
6. Pass gas. 
7. Log on to computer to check porn site before leaving for 
work. Pass gas while "enjoying" favorite site. 
6. Drive to work. Pass gas at stop light. Open window to air out 
car. 
7. Get to work at MacDonalds. Pass gas in bathroom (for all 
patrons to enjoy). Forget to wash hands. 
8. Lunch. Double cheesy cheeseburger and supersized fries. 
Pass gas. 
9. Arrive home. Pass gas. Have a beer. Pass gas. 
10. Tell wife you want sex. Belch. Finish early, belch and fall 
asleep. 
11. Get up at 3 A.M. waking wife but instead of finishing her 
off, return to computer to talk in the chat rooms - imagining 
what a stud you are, chatting with all those "gorgeous women" 
online. Pass gas.

A construction worker goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, I'm 
constipated."
The doctor examines him for a minute and then says, "Lean 
over the table."
The construction worker leans over the table, the doctor whacks 
him on the ass with a baseball bat, and then sends him into the 
bathroom.
He comes out a few minutes later and says, "Doc, I feel great. 
What should I do?"
The doctor says, "Stop wiping with cement bags."