A drunk goes into a bar sits down and says hey hey bartender can we
   talk about politics
   The bartender says ģIF THERE IS ONE THING WE DON'T TALK ABOUT IN HERE
   IT'S POLITICSī. A little while later hey bartender can we talk about
   religon. Again the
   bartender says" IF THERE'S ONE THING WE DON'T TALK ABOUT IN HERE IT'S
   RELIGON". Then again we hear hey bartender can we talk about sex. The
   bartender says
   SURE. The drunk says good............fuck you!
   

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God, "Lord, I 
have a problem!" 

"What's the problem, Eve?" 

"Lord, I know you've created me and have provided this beautiful 
garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious 
comedy snake, but I'm just not happy." 

"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above. 

"Lord, I am lonely. And I'm sick to death of apples." 

"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man 
for you." 

"What's a 'man', Lord?" 

"This man will be a flawed creature, with aggressive tendencies, 
an enormous ego and an inability to empathize or listen to you 
properly. All in all, he'll give you a hard time. But, he'll be bigger 
and faster and more muscular than you. He'll be really good at 
fighting and kicking a ball about and hunting fleet-footed 
ruminants, and not altogether bad in the sack." 

"Sounds great," says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow. 

"Yeah, well. He's better than a poke in the eye with a burnt 
stick. But, you can have him on one condition." 

"What's that, Lord?" 

"You'll have to let him believe that I made him first."

There was an exhibitionist who was taking a trip on an airplane.
At the top of the stairs there was a stewardess collecting tickets.
When the man got to the top of the stairs, he opened his coat and
exposed himself. The stewardess said, "I'm sorry sir. You have to
show your ticket here, not your stub." 

A widow wrote this epitaph in a Vermont cemetery:

Sacred to the memory of my husband John Barnes who
died January 3, 1803. His comely young widow, aged
23, has many qualifications of a good wife, and
yearns to be comforted.

What is the proper weight for an attorney?

About 3 pounds, .......not counting the urn!