You Can Never Really Go Back
   There was this couple who had been married for 50 years. They were
   sitting at the
   breakfast table that morning when the old gentleman said to his wife,
   "Just think, honey,
   we've been married for 50 years."
   "Yeah," she replied, "Fifty years ago this very day, we were sitting
   here at this breakfast
   table together."
   "Hmmm," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as
   jaybirds fifty years
   ago this morning."
   "Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say...should we?" Whereupon the
   two stripped
   to the buff and sat down at the table.
   "You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My
   nipples are as hot for you
   now as they were fifty years ago."
   "I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and
   the other one's in
   you oatmeal!"
   

Temperatures and What They Mean



     40     Californians shiver uncontrollably, Minnesotans go swimming.

     35     Italian cars don't start.

     32     Water freezes.
 
     30     You can see your breath.  Politicians begin to worry about the
            Homeless.

     25     Boston water freezes.
            Cat insists on sleeping on your bed with you.

     20     Californians weep pitiably, Minnesotans eat ice cream.
            You can hear your breath.

     15     N.Y. City water freezes.
            Politicians begin to talk aobut the homeless.

     12     You plan a vacation to Mexico.

     10     Too cold to snow

      5     You need jumper cables to get the car going.
            Cat insists on sleeping in your bed with you.

      3     You plan a vacation in Houston.

      0     Too cold to skate.
            American cars don't start.

     -5     You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo.

    -10     Too cold to think.
            Politicians actually do something about the homeless.

    -15     Cat insists on sleeping in your pajamas with you.
            You need jumper cables to get the driver going.

    -20     You plan a 2-week hot bath.

    -25     The mighty Monongahela freezes.
            Japanese cars don't start.

    -30     Californians disappear, Minnesotans button top button...

    Below -30     The kids call home from college.
                  
                  End of the world...

In a crowded city at a crowded bus stop, a beautiful young
woman was waiting for the bus. She was decked out in a tight
leather mini skirt with matching tight leather boots and
jacket. As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get
on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow
her leg to come up to the height of the first step on the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver
she reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little thinking
that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again
she tried to make the step onto the bus only to discover she
still couldn't! So, a little more embarrassed she once again
reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little more and for
a second time attempted the step and once again, much to her
chagrin she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt.
So, with a coy little smile to the driver she again unzipped
the offending skirt to give a little more slack and again was
unable to make the step.
About this time the big Texan that was behind her in the line
picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on
the step of the bus. 
Well, she went ballistic and turned on the would-be hero
screeching at him "How dare you touch my body!! I don't even
know who you are!" 

At this the Texan drawled "Well ma'am normally I would agree
with you but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda
figured that we was friends." 

The grave of Ellen Shannon in Girard, Pennsylvania is almost a consumer
tip:
Who was fatally burned
March 21, 1870
by the explosion of a lamp
filled with "R.E. Danforth's
Non-Explosive Burning Fluid"

A woman walks into a tattoo parlour and asks 'Do you do custom work?'

'Why of course!'

'Good. I'd like a portrait of Robert Redford on the inside of my
right thigh, and a portrait of Paul Newman on the inside of
my left thigh.'

'No problem,' says the artist. 'Strip from the waist down and get
up on the table.'

After two hours of hard work, the artist finishes.
The woman sits up and examines the tattoos.

'That doesn't look like them!' she complains loudly.

'Oh yes it does,' the artist says indignantly, 'and I
can prove it.' With that, he runs out of the shop
and grabs the first man off the street he can find;
it happens to be the town drunk.

'Well, what do you think?' the woman asks, spreading
her legs. 'Do you know who these men are?'

The drunk studies the tattoos for a couple of minutes
and says. 'I'm not sure who the guys on either side are,
but the fellow in the middle is definately Willie Nelson!'