This guy wakes up one morning to find a gorilla in his tree. He looks
   in the phone book for a gorilla removal service until he finds one.
   "Is it a boy or girl Gorilla?" the service guy asks. "Boy," is the
   man's response. "Oh yeah, I can do it. I'll be right there," says the
   service guy. An hour later the service guy shows up with a stick, a
   Chihuahua, a shotgun, and a pair of handcuffs. He then gives the man
   some nstructions: "Now, I'm going to climb this tree and poke the
   gorilla with the stick until he falls. When he does, the trained
   Chihuahua will bite the gorilla's testicles off. The gorilla will then
   cross his hands to protect himself and allow you to put the handcuffs
   on him." The man asks, "What do I do with the shotgun?" The service
   guy replies, "If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla, shoot the
   Chihuahua."

   A woman goes into a funeral home to make arrangements for her
   husband's funeral. She tells the director that she wants her husband
   to be buried in a dark blue suit.
   
   He asks, "Wouldn't it just be easier to bury him in the black suit
   that he's wearing?"
   
   But she insists that it must be a blue suit and gives him a blank
   check to buy one.
   
   When she comes back for the wake, she sees her husband in the coffin
   and he is wearing a beautiful blue suit. She tells the director how
   much she loves the suit and asks how much it cost.
   
   He says, "Actually, it didn't cost anything. The funniest thing
   happened. As soon as you left, another corpse was brought in, this one
   wearing a blue suit. I noticed that they were about the same size, and
   asked the other widow if she would mind if her husband were buried in
   a black suit. She said that was fine with her. So... I switched the
   heads."
   

Two men were walking along the street when they came
upon a dog licking his dick.

One man said, "I sure wish I could do that." 

The other replied, "You can, but you're probably going
to have to pet him first."

Reaching the end of a job interview, the human resources person asked
a young engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you
looking for?"

The engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending
on the benefits package."

The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of
5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company
matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased
every 2 years - say, a red Corvette?"

The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"

And the interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."

   PUPPY LOVE

   A man and his son were walking through a field, and saw two dogs
   mating. The little boy
   asked his Dad what was happening. The Father replied, "Well, son,
   they're making a
   puppy." The following evening, the little boy was thirsty, so he went
   from his bed to get a
   glass of water. Not being able to reach the glasses, he walked
   unannounced into his parents
   bedroom, who were making love in their usual missionary position.
   Confused, the boy
   asked what were they doing. The Dad responded very slowly and caringly
   to his
   impressionanle little boy, "Well, son, we are making you a little
   brother. "The little boy
   replied ,"Please turn Mom over, Dad, I'd rather have a puppy!"