A husband and wife love to golf together, but neither of them are
playing like they want to, so they decide to take private lessons. 

The husband has his lesson first. After the pro sees his swing, he
says, "No no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard!"
"Well, what should I do?" asks the man. 
"Hold the club gently," the pro replied, "just like you'd hold your
 wife's breast."

The man takes the advice, takes a swing, and POW!  He hits the ball
250 yds. straight up the fairway.  The man goes back to his wife
with the good news, and the wife can't wait for her lesson. 

The next day the wife goes for her lesson. The pro watches her
swing and says, "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard."
"What can I do?" asks the wife.
"Hold the club gently, just like you'd hold your husband's penis."

The wife listens carefully to the pro's advice, takes a swing, and
THUMP.  The ball goes straight down the fairway. . . about 15 ft. 

"That was great," the pro says with a straight face. 
"Now, take the club out of your mouth and swing it like you're 
supposed to!"

Robinson came home in great excitement and said to his wife, "You'll
never believe it, dear, but I've discovered an entirely new position
for lovemaking."
"Really," said Mrs. Robinson, interested at once. "What is it?"
"Back to back."
"But that's crazy. We can't do anything back to back."
"Yes we can. I've persuaded another couple to help out." 

Why do female parachutists wear tampons?
 So they don't whistle on the way down...

    Last Lunch

   Three steel workers were having lunch at the construction site, a 20
   story building. The first worker is Italian and when he looks in his
   lunch box, he exclaims, "Oh, no, if I have to eat spaghetti for lunch
   one more time, I going to jump off the 20th floor and kill myself."
   The second worker is Hispanic. When he looks in his lunch box, he
   exclaims, " Oh, no, if I have to eat tacos for lunch one more time, I
   going to jump off the 20th floor and kill myself." The third worker is
   polish. When he looks in his lunch box, he exclaims, "Oh, no, if I
   have to eat polish sausage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump
   off the 20th floor and kill myself."
   The next day the Italian looks in his lunch box, sees a bowl of
   spaghetti. He walks to the edge and jumps to his death. Then the
   Hispanic worker looks in his lunch box, sees 2 tacos. He walks to the
   edge and jumps to his death. Finally the polish worker looks in his
   lunch box, sees a polish sausage sandwich. He walks to the edge and
   jumps to his death.
   At the funeral for the three workers the Italian workers wife is
   sobbing out of control and cries," Oh, its all my fault. If only I had
   packed him a different lunch!" The Hispanics wife is also sobbing out
   of control and cries," Oh, its all my fault. If only I had packed my
   husband a different lunch!" The polish workers wife isn't crying at
   all so the other two wives confront her.
   "Don't look at me," she exclaims, "He packs his own lunch!"

A man went to the doctor to get a physical, after
the doctor examined him, he told the man he had
some bad news... he had cancer and alzheimers.
The man replied, " Well, at least I don't have
cancer"