Where do you find a no legged dog?
Right where you left him.

   There is a man who has three girlfriends, but he does not know which
   one to marry. So he decides to give each one $5000 and see how each of
   them spends it.
   
   The first one goes out and gets a total makeover with the money. She
   gets new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and
   tells the man, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you
   because I love you so much."
   
   The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a
   television, and a stereo and gives them to the man. She says, "I
   bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you so much."
   
   The third one takes the $5000 and invests it in the stock market,
   doubles her investment, returns the $5000 to the man and reinvests the
   rest. She says, "I am investing the rest of the money for our future
   because I love you so much."
   
   The man thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the
   money, and decided to marry the one with the biggest breasts.
   

No lawyers allowed- Prosecutors will be violated!

 If two lawyers were drowning, and you could only save one of
them, would you read the paper or go to lunch?

A guy goes into a restaurant/lounge wearing a shirt open at the collar
and is met by a bouncer who tells him he must wear a necktie to gain 
admission.

So the guy goes out to his car and he looks around for a necktie and
discovers that he just doesn't have one. He sees a set of jumper cables 
in his trunk. In desperation he ties these around his neck, manages to 
fashion a fairly acceptable looking knot and lets the ends dangle free.

He goes back to the restaurant and the bouncer carefully looks him over 
for a few minutes and then says, "Well, OK, I guess you can come in - 
just don't start anything."

   Little Johnny was in class again.Teacher asked everyone "Can anyone
   tell me a sentence
   with the word definitely in it?" Meg puts up her hand."The sky is
   definitely blue." "Thats
   not bad,Meg," says the teacher, "but the sky can be grey or red."
   Young Sally tried :"The
   grass is definitely green." "Good try Sally,but grass can be yellow or
   brown too!"
   Suddenly Little Johnny's hand shoots up."Miss Brown does a fart have
   lumps?" The
   teacher was horrified."No of course not Johnny! What are you talking
   about?" So Johnny
   says,"Well then Miss brown, I've definitely shit my pants!"