How many lawyers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

The real question is: How much can the light bulb afford to
be screwed for?

A horse wanders into a bar and orders a tall one.
The bartender says, "Hey fella, why the long face?" 

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle yesterday when an electrical
malfunction disabled all of aircraft's electronic navigation and communication
equipment. Due to the clouds and haze the pilot could not determine his
position or course to steer to the airport.
The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritted
sign and held it in the helicopter's window.
The sign said "WHERE AM I"? in large letters.
People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large
sign an held it in a building window. The sign said, "YOU ARE IN A
HELICOPTER".
The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map and determined the course to steer
to SEATAC ( Seattle/Tacoma) airport and landed safely.
After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how the "YOU ARE
IN A HELICOPTER" sign helped determine their position. The pilot responded, "
I knew that had to be the Microsoft building because they gave me a
technically correct but completely useless answer".

WASHINGTON, DC - Frustrated by failed attempts to turn 
public support away from the president, congress today 
announced it would begin releasing completely fabricated 
documents and videotapes on Monday.

Speaker Newt Gingrich addressed the press at the Capitol this 
morning. "We feel that with the release of all the documents 
from the Starr Inquisition, and the public still supporting the 
president, we need to take further steps in our neverending goal 
of overturning the 1992 and 1996 elections. 

On Monday morning, we will release a diary of President 
Clinton's in which he claims to have had dinner with Adolf Hitler, 
Ayatolla Khomeni and Saddam Hussein, and later slept with 
them in the Lincoln Bedroom. He also claims in the diary, 'Meat 
is murder, I am a communist, Die Capitalist Die!' We will also 
release a doctored videotape showing the president strangling a 
litter of small kittens."

A CNN/Newsweek poll following the press conference showed a 
slight rise in the president's approval rating.

    A team of archaeologists was excavating in Israel when
   they came upon a cave. Written on the wall of the cave were the
   following symbols in order of appearance.
   1. A dog
   2. A donkey
   3. A shovel
   4. A fish
   5. A Star of David
   They decided that this was a unique find and the writings were at
   least more than three thousand years old. They chopped out the piece
   of stone and had it brought to the museum where archaeologists from
   all over the world came to study the ancient symbols.
   They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss what
   they could agree was the meaning of the markings. The President of
   their Society stood up, pointed at the first drawing and said, "This
   looks like a dog. We can judge that this was a highly intelligent race
   as they knew how to have animals for companionship. To prove this
   statement you, can see that the next symbol resembles a donkey, so,
   they were even smart enough to have animals help them till the soil.
   The next drawing looks like a shovel of some sort, which means they
   even had tools to help them. Even further proof of their high
   intelligence is the fish, which means that they had a famine that hit
   the earth whereby the food didn't grow, they would take to the sea for
   food. The last symbol appears to be the Star of David which means they
   were evidently Hebrews."
   The audience applauded enthusiastically, the President smiled and
   said, "I'm glad to see that you are all in full agreement with our
   interpretations."
   Suddenly a little old Jewish man stood up in the back of the room and
   said, "I object to every word. The explanation of what the writings
   say is quite simple. First of all, everyone knows that Hebrews don't
   read from left to right, but from right to left... Now, look
   again..... It now says:
   "HOLY MACKEREL, DIG THE ASS ON THAT BITCH!"