Bob, an experienced sky diver, was getting ready for a jump one day
   when he spotted another man outfitted to dive wearing dark glasses,
   carrying a white cane and holding a seeing-eye dog by a leash. Shocked
   that the blind man was also going to jump, Bob struck up a
   conversation, expressing his admiration for the man's courage. Then,
   curious, he asked, "How do you know when the ground is getting close?"
   
   "Easy," replied the blind man. "The leash goes slack."
   

What's the difference between a transvestite sailor and Monica Lewinsky's
wardrobe?

When you have a transvestite sailor, you have a dress on a seaman.

    A judge asked a defendant to please stand. "You are
   charged with murdering a school teacher with a chain saw." From out in
   the audience a man shouted, "Lying bastard!" "Silence in the court!",
   the judge shouted back to the man. He turned to the defendant and
   said, "You are also charged with killing a paperboy with a shovel."
   "Tightwad!", blurted the man again. "Quiet!", yelled the judge who
   continued, "You are also charged with killing a mailman with an
   electric drill." "Son of a..." the man started to shout when the judge
   thundered back, "If you don't tell me reason for your outbursts right
   now, I will hold in contempt!" So the man answered, "I've lived next
   to that man for ten years now, but do you think he ever had a tool
   when I needed to borrow one!"

    A woman asks her husband to buy her a fur coat for their
   25th anniversary.
   "HA," he snorted, "The day I buy you a fur coat will be the day you
   can grow hair on your chest!" On that she hikes up her skirt, drops
   her panties, and thrusts her pubic area forward. "There! I have hair
   on my chest, now buy me a fur coat." "That's not your chest!" he roars
   back. "Damn right it's my chest," she argued, "Before we got married,
   this was your hope chest. On our honeymoon, it was your treasure
   chest. Afterwards it became our family chest. AND IF YOU DON'T BUY ME
   A FUR COAT, IT WILL SOON BECOME THE COMMUNITY CHEST!"

What do you do if a blond throws a grenade at you? 

     Pull the pin and throw it back.