What happened to the blonde ice hockey team? They drowned in Spring
   training.

Q: Mom! Can I lick the bowl? Please!
A: Shut up and flush!

Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle aged couple and a young
newlywed couple wanted to join a church.

The pastor says, "We have special requirements for new parishioners.
You must abstain from having sex for two weeks."

The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks. The pastor
goes to the elderly couple and asks, "Were you able to abstain from sex
for the two weeks?"

The old man replies, "No problem at all, Pastor."

"Congratulations! Welcome to the church." said the pastor. The pastor
goes to the middle aged couple and asks, "Well, were you able to abstain
from sex for the two weeks?"

The man replied, "The first week was not too bad. The second week I
had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yes we made it.

"Congratulations!
Welcome to the church." said the pastor. The pastor then goes to the
newlywed couple and asks, 'Well, were you able to abstain from sex for
two weeks?"

"Well Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks,"
the young man replied.

"What happened?" inquired the pastor.
"My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it.
When she bent over to pick it up, I was over come with lust and took
advantage of her right there."

"You understand of course, this means you will not be welcome in our
church," stated the pastor.

"That's OK." said the young man, "We're not welcome at Safeway anymore,
either."

Jon's working at the lumberyard, pushing a tree through the 
buzz saw, and accidentally shears off all ten of his fingers. He 
goes to the emergency room.

The doctor says, "Yuck! Well, give me the fingers, and I'll see 
what I can do."

Jon says, "I haven't got the fingers."

The doctor says, "What do you mean, you haven't got the 
fingers? It's 1998. We've got microsurgery and all kinds of 
incredible techniques. I could have put them back on and made 
you like new. Why didn't you bring the fingers?"

Jon says, "Well, shit, Doc, I couldn't pick 'em up."

    If government is going to put health warning labels on
   beer, wine and liquor, let's at least have a little truthfulness about
   the matter! 
   WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with breath
   that could knock a buzzard off a shit truck at 100 yards.
   WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an
   idiot.
   WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring
   story over and over again until your friends want to smash your head
   in.
   WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss what
   you REALLY THINK while photocopying your butt at the office Christmas
   party.
   WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell
   ever happened to your pants (panties) anyway. WARNING: Consumption of
   alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something
   really scary (whose species and/or name you can't remember).
   WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are
   tougher, handsomer, and smarter than some really, really huge biker
   guy named "Big Al".