Six people were on a plane. A doctor, a lawyer a priest and 3
   children.
   The pilot comes on the radio and says the plane is going to crash,and
   there are only three
   parachutes.
   The doctor yells out, " Save the children"
   The lawyer yells out "FUCK THE CHILDREN!"
   The priest yells out " IS THERE TIME?"
   

Politically Correct

                                 Little Red Riding Hood



There once was a young person named Little Red Riding Hood who lived
on the edge of a large forest full of endangered owls and rare plants that
would probably provide a cure for cancer if only someone took the time to
study them.

Red Riding Hood lived with a nurture giver whom she sometimes referred to
as "mother", although she didn't mean to imply by this term that she would have
thought less of the person if a close biological link did not in fact exist.

Nor did she intend to denigrate the equal value of nontraditional households,
although she was sorry if this was the impression conveyed.

One day her mother asked her to take a basket of organically grown fruit and
mineral water to her grandmother's house.

"But mother, won't this be stealing work from the unionized people who
have struggled for years to earn the right to carry all packages between
various people in the woods?"

Red Riding Hood's mother assured her that she had called the union boss
and gotten a special compassionate mission exemption form.

"But mother, aren't you oppressing me by ordering me to do this?"

Red Riding Hood's mother pointed out that it was impossible for womyn
to oppress each other, since all womyn were equally oppressed until all
womyn were free.

"But mother, then shouldn't you have my brother carry the basket, since
he's an oppressor, and should learn what it's like to be oppressed?"

And Red Riding Hood's mother explained that her brother was attending
a special rally for animal rights, and besides, this wasn't stereotypical
womyn's work, but an empowering deed that would help engender a
feeling of community.

"But won't I be oppressing Grandma, by implying that she's sick and
hence unable to independently further her own selfhood?"

But Red Riding Hood's mother explained that her grandmother wasn't
actually sick or incapacitated or mentally handicapped in any way,
although that was not to imply that any of these conditions were
inferior to what some people called "health".

Thus Red Riding Hood felt that she could get behind the idea of delivering
the basket to her grandmother, and so she set off.

Many people believed that the forest was a foreboding and dangerous
place, but Red Riding Hood knew that this was an irrational fear based on
cultural paradigms instilled by a patriarchal society that regarded
the natural world as an exploitable resource, and hence believed that
natural predators were in fact intolerable competitors.

Other people avoided the woods for fear of thieves and deviants, but
Red Riding Hood felt that in a truly classless society all marginalized peoples
would be able to "come out" of the woods and be accepted as valid
lifestyle role models.

On her way to Grandma's house, Red Riding Hood passed a woodchopper, and
wandered off the path, in order to examine some flowers.

She was startled to find herself standing before a Wolf, who asked her what
was in her basket.

Red Riding Hood's teacher had warned her never to talk to strangers,
but she was confident in taking control of her own budding sexuality, and
chose to dialogue with the Wolf.

She replied, "I am taking my Grandmother some healthful snacks in a gesture
of solidarity."

The Wolf said, "You know, my dear, it isn't safe for a little girl to walk
through these woods alone."

Red Riding Hood said, "I find your sexist remark offensive in the extreme, but
I will ignore it because of your traditional status as an outcast from society,
the stress of which has caused you to develop an alternative and yet entirely
valid worldview.  Now, if you'll excuse me, I would prefer to be on my way."

Red Riding Hood returned to the main path, and proceeded towards her
Grandmother's house.

But because his status outside society had freed him from slavish adherence to
linear, Western-style thought, the Wolf knew of a quicker route to Grandma's
house.
 
He burst into the house and ate Grandma, a course of action affirmative of
his nature as a predator.

Then, unhampered by rigid, traditionalist gender role notions, he put on
Grandma's nightclothes, crawled under the bedclothes, and awaited developments.

Red Riding Hood entered the cottage and said,

"Grandma, I have brought you some cruelty free snacks to salute you in your
role of wise and nurturing matriarch."

The Wolf said softly "Come closer, child, so that I might see you."

Red Riding Hood said, "Goddess!  Grandma, what big eyes you have!"

"You forget that I am optically challenged."

"And Grandma, what an enormous, what a fine nose you have."

"Naturally, I could have had it fixed to help my acting career, but I didn't
give in to such societal pressures, my child."

"And Grandma, what very big, sharp teeth you have!"

The Wolf could not take any more of these specist slurs, and, in a reaction
appropriate for his accustomed milieu, he leaped out of bed, grabbed
Little Red Riding Hood, and opened his jaws so wide that she could see
her poor Grandmother cowering in his belly.

"Aren't you forgetting something?" Red Riding Hood bravely shouted.  "You
must request my permission before proceeding to a new level of intimacy!"

The Wolf was so startled by this statement that he loosened his grasp on her.

At the same time, the woodchopper burst into the cottage, brandishing an ax.

"Hands off!" cried the woodchopper.

"And what do you think you're doing?" cried Little Red Riding Hood.  "If I let
you help me now, I would be expressing a lack of confidence in my own 
abilities,
which would lead to poor self esteem and lower achievement scores on college
entrance exams."

"Last chance, sister!  Get your hands off that endangered species!  This
is an FBI sting!" screamed the woodchopper, and when Little Red Riding
Hood nonetheless made a sudden motion, he sliced off her head.

"Thank goodness you got here in time," said the Wolf.  "The brat and her
grandmother lured me in here.  I thought I was a goner."

"No, I think I'm the real victim, here," said the woodchopper.  "I've been
dealing with my anger ever since I saw her picking those protected flowers
earlier.  And now I'm going to have such a trauma.  Do you have any aspirin?"

"Sure," said the Wolf.

"Thanks."

"I feel your pain," said the Wolf, and he patted the woodchopper on his
firm, well padded back, gave a little belch, and said "Do you have any Maalox?"

                                   Thomas E. Maloney

Q: Why couldn't the blond pass her drivers test? 

A: Every time the car stopped she jumped in the backseat. 

How come Mike Tyson's eyes always water during sex? 

     Mace... 

THE STATE OF THE UNION ADDRESS....THAT PRESIDENT CLINTON SHOULD HAVE GIVEN 

"Members of Congress...People of America....I banged her. I banged her like a cheap gong. 
Which is not news, folks, because if you think Monica Lewinsky was the only skin flute player 
in my orchestra, you haven't been paying attention. 

The only babes in D.C. I haven't tried to do are the First Lady, Reno, Albright, and Shalala, 
mostly because they're a little older than I like and they have legs that former Houston Oiler 
Earl Campbell would envy, which isn't to say I don't appreciate Hillary...I do. If not for the 
ice-water coursing through her veins, I'd be pumping gas into farm equipment in Hope, Arkansas,
and she'd be married to the President. 

So, let me set the record straight. I dodged the draft, hid FBI files, smoked dope, flipped 
Whitewater property, set up a new Korean wing in the White House, fired the travel staff, paid 
hush money to Hubbell, sold the Lincoln bedroom like an upscale Motel 6, and grabbed every ass 
that entered the Oval Office. Got it? Good. 

Six years ago there's not a man, woman, or child who didn't know I was as horny as Woody Allen.
But, you elected me anyway, which turned out to be a good move on your part. 

Your other choice was Bush, an aging Baseball player and part-time resident of some place 
called "Kennebunkport" who thought he could bomb his way into the White House. Before him, 
it was Reagan, who left the office with the same Alzheimer's he came in with. 

There was Carter before him who brought you a 17% prime interest rate,smiling the whole time 
like his lithium drip just kicked in. 

Nixon before that coined, but never really understood, the concept of 'plausable deniability,' 
and almost got a one-way ticket to San Clemente for his crackerjack style of governing. 

Johnson was an inbred, power mad war criminal whose major contribution to American society was 
Agent Orange. And John Kennedy, who was a little naughty himself, didn't hang around long 
enough for America to spot that curious atavistic tic for "beaver wrestling" shared by at 
least a dozen former residents of the White House. 

Which brings me back to my point. 

Since I have been strumming the banjo here at the White House, government is doing more for 
less. The budget is balanced for the first time since JFK did a one gun salute to Marilyn, a 
fact the press didn't seem to care about, evidently. 

Unemployment is so low today a blind felon can get a job as a night watchman. And the stock 
market is higher than a D-student on a full gram of dumb dust, and anyone with a degree from 
a junior college who can spell 'internet' has enough money to ponder the annual maintenance 
cost of his boat, instead of where his or her next meal is coming from. 

Bottom line: I'm running a country here and I'm doing it with my pecker showing. 

What I'm asking for is your support, not a date with your daughter...unless, of course, she's 
a hotty with thin ankles, and then I'd like to discuss it. In the meantime, think about where 
you are today and what kind of life you're living before you get too interested in where I'm 
parking the Presidential Limousine. 

Thank you, good night, and God Bless America.