The Barber Shop

   This guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks, "How long before
   I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says,
   "About 2 hours." The guy leaves.
   A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks,
   "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around at shop
   full of customers and says, "About 2 hours." The guy leaves.
   A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How
   long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and
   says, "About an hour and a half." The guy leaves.
   The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey, Bill,
   follow that guy and see where he goes." In a little while, Bill comes
   back into the shop laughing hysterically.
   The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?"
   Bill looked up and said, "To your house."

If Cray made toasters...
They would cost $16 million but would be faster than
any other single-slice toaster in the world, at least
for a couple of years.

A supermarket had a sale on boneless chicken breasts, and a woman I 
know intended to stock up. At the store, however, she was 
disappointed to find only a few skimpy prepackaged portions of the 
poultry, so she complained to the butcher. "don't worry, ya ," he 
said. "I'll pack some more trays and have them ready for you by the 
time you finish shopping." 

Several aisles later, my friend heard the butcher's voice boom over 
the public-address system: "Will the lady who wanted bigger breasts 
please meet me at the back of the store."

I got home from work last night and said to my wife, "You are a one"
She said "What do you mean, I am a one?"
I said, "If Bo Derek's a ten, you're a one". 

What goes in and out and smells of piss?

The Queen Mother