New scientific theories

3rd RunnerUp-  Communist China is technologically underdeveloped
because they have no alphabet. The lack of an alphabet means
the Chinese cannot use "acronyms"; thus, they cannot communicate
their ideas at a faster rate.

   Ventriloquist: Hey, cool dog. Mind if I speak to him?
   Farmer: This dog don't talk!
   Ventriloquist: Hey dog, how's it going?
   Dog: Doin alright
   Farmer: (Extreme look of shock)
   Ventriloquist: Is this your owner? (pointing at farmer)
   Dog: Yep.
   Ventriloquist: How's he treat you?
   Dog: Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and
   takes me to the lake once a week to play.
   Farmer: (Look of disbelief)
   Ventriloquist: Mind if I talk to your horse?
   Farmer: Horses don't talk!
   Ventriloquist: Hey horse, how's it goin?
   Horse: Cool.
   Farmer: (an even wilder look of shock)
   Ventriloquist: Is this your owner? (pointing at farmer)
   Horse: Yep.
   Ventriloquist: How's he treat you?
   Horse: Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes
   me down often, and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the
   elements.
   Farmer: (total look of amazement)
   Ventriloquist: Mind if I talk to your SHEEP?
   Farmer: (gesticulating wildly, and hardly able to talk)...... Them
   sheep ain't nothin but liars!!!
   

   A man's wife had been in a coma for several days following a
   particularly nasty knock on the head. As usual, one of the nurses in
   the hospital was giving her a wash in bed. As she washed down the
   woman's body, she sponged her pubic hair. Out of the corner of her eye
   she thought she had seen the woman's eyebrows shudder. Not quite sure,
   she tried again. This time, she actually did see some movement.
   
   "Doctor, Doctor," she called, "I saw some movement!"
   
   The Doctor came in to the room and tried as well. Once more, they both
   saw movement around the woman's eyes.
   
   "Well this is good news," said the Doctor. "I think we should call her
   husband and let him know."
   
   Anyway, they called her husband and told him that they had seen some
   movement. When he arrived, they explained that by touching her pubic
   hair, they were seeing some sort of reaction in her facial muscles.
   The Doctor suggested that the husband may like to try something a
   little more adventurous in order to provoke a stronger reaction. "I
   suggest that we leave the room and that you try a little oral sex," he
   said.
   
   The husband duly agreed and so he was left alone in the room. Several
   moments later, all the emergency alarms and buzzers were activated.
   The Doctor and a host of nurses ran in to the wife's room where they
   saw the husband zipping up his jeans.
   
   "Oops," he said, "I think I choked her."
   

Are YOU A HARD MAN?

1/. When reaching your sexual climax do you?

a) Make low moaning sounds in her ear.
b) Suck on her neck to produce a love bite.
c) Shove your thumb up her arse so she screams her tits off.

2/. You're in bed one night and she whispers "I love you". Do you?

a) Whisper back "I love you too".
b) Put your arse on her leg and fart.
c) Say "Go to sleep dog breath".


3/. After you have made love to your wife do you?

a) Hold her in your arms until she falls asleep.
b) Wipe your dick on her nightie and turn over.
c) Tell the bitch to go get in with the kids.

4/. If you break wind during the night do you?

a) Try and cough at the same time and hope she didn't hear.
b) Hold her head under the covers laughing your bollocks off. c)
Blame her and give her a boot.

5/. If she breaks wind do you?

a) Be a gentleman and pretend you didn't hear.
b) Clout the bitch.
c) Say "you dirty bitch" and shove her out in the back yard.

6/. You come home early and find her in bed with a big buck negro.
Do you? a) Close the door quietly and clear off. b) Join in and
stick it up the negro's arse. c) Dowse them both with petrol and
set fire to the cunts.

7/. Your toilet's in the bathroom, you're busting for a crap and
she's in the bath. Do you?

a) Go next door and use theirs.
b) Yell "Move it goat face, the fuckin tortoise head's out of the
shell". c) Sit next to her making noises like a flock of starlings
taking off.

8/. You want sex but it's rag week. Do you?

a) Wait until next week.
b) Wank.
c) Get your face in there and come up looking like the man on the
Ribena ad.

9/. She announces she is leaving you. Do you?

a) Break down in tears and beg her to stay.
b) Put up streamers and arrange a street party.
c) Empty your nostrils in her face, kick her in the cunt, then get
pissed.

10/. She tells you she's having an unwanted baby. Do you?

a) Tell her not to worry, we'll manage somehow.
b) Belt her in the guts with a cricket bat.
c) Sell the house, clean out the bank account and scarper.

SCORE: a) 1.  b) 2.  c) 3.

0 - 15.  If brains were spuds, you'd own Ireland.
15 - 29.  You must try harder.
30.  Congrats. You're one of the boys.

A young couple decided to wed. As the big day approached, 
they grew apprehensive. Each had a problem they had never 
before shared with anyone, not even each other.

The Groom-to-be, overcoming his fear, decided to ask his father 
for advice. "Father," he said, "I am deeply concerned about the 
success of my marriage."

His father replied, "Don't you love this girl?"

"Oh yes, very much," he said," but you see, I have very smelly 
feet, and I'm afraid that my fiance will be put off by them."

"No problem," said dad, "all you have to do is wash your feet as 
often as possible,and always wear socks, even to bed." Well, 
to him this seemed a workable solution.

The bride-to-be, overcoming her fear, decided to take her 
problem up with her mom." Mom," she said, "When I wake up 
in the morning my breath is truly awful."

"Honey," her mother consoled, "everyone has bad breath in the 
morning."

"No, you don't understand,. My morning breath is so bad, I'm 
afraid that my fiance will not want to sleep in the same room 
with me."

Her mother said simply, "Try this. In the morning, get straight 
out of bed, and head for the kitchen and make breakfast. While 
the family is busy eating, move on to the bathroom and brush 
your teeth. The key is, not to say a word until you've brushed 
your teeth."

"I shouldn't say good morning or anything?" the daughter 
asked.

"Not a word," her mother affirmed.

"Well, it's certainly worth a try," she thought.

The loving couple were finally married. Not forgetting the advice 
each had received, he with his perpetual socks and she with 
her morning silence, they managed quite well. That is, until 
about six months later. Shortly before dawn one morning, the 
husband wakes with a start to find that one of his socks had 
come off. Fearful of the consequences, he frantically searches 
the bed. This, of course, wakes his bride and without thinking, 
she asks, "What on earth are you doing?"

"Oh, my," he replies, "you've swallowed my sock!"