I said to the doctor "I have this ringing in my ears."

He said, "Don't answer it!" 

There was this boy in high school that was what you would
consider a nerd. Anyway he had his own lab in the basement
of his home and one night he came up and said "Dad look
what I made." So he poured a flask of fluid into a pot of
soil and instantly grass started to grow.

Of course his dad was really impressed with this and asked
his son if he can make something to make his penis grow.

His son thought for a minute and said that if he did then
dad would have to buy him a convertable.

Dad agreed. 

The next night the son came out of the basement and gave his
dad a vial. The next morning his father came to him and told
him that he had something to show him. They went to the front
yard and the boy saw a cherry red ferrari.

The son looked at his dad and said "I only asked for a convertable."

The dad replied "the convertable is in the garage. The Ferrari is
from your mother." 

Age        Succesful Date
        
        17         "tongue"
        25         "breakfast"
        35         "She didn't set back my therapy."
        48         "I didn't have to meet her kids."
        66         "Got home alive."

Q: Mommy, Mommy! Why don't I have a big thing like Daddy's between my legs?
A: You will when you're older, Lucy!

    A local United Way office realized that it had never
   received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person
   in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.
   "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000,
   you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the
   community in some way?" The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and
   replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying
   after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her
   annual income?" Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um...no."
   "-or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a
   wheelchair?" The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an
   apology but was interrupted, "-or that my sister's husband died in a
   traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving
   her penniless with three children?" The humiliated United Way rep,
   completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..." On a roll, the
   lawyer cut him off once again: "-so if I don't give any money to them,
   why should I give any to you?"