Now that food has replaced sex in my life,
I can't even get into my own pants.

My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child.  We
can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives.

                                                 -Rita Rudner

   Any man who thinks marriage is a 50/50 proposition proves that:
   Either he knows nothing at all about percentages, (or)
   he's got an awful lot to learn about both women and marriage.

   It's really a wonder my wife and I ever got together in the first
   place.
   She swore she would never marry me when I was drunk, and
   I wouldn't dream of marrying her when I was sober.

   My wife sez that I'm too extravagant; that if anything ever happens to
   her,
   I'll have to beg. I told her I'd be fine.
   I mean -- look at all the experience I've got.