The Perfect Worker

1 Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
2 hard at work in his cubicle.  Bob works independently, without
3 wasting company time talking to colleagues.  Bob never
4 thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
5 finishes given assignments on time.  Often he takes extended
6 measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
7 breaks.  Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
8 vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
9 knowledge in his field.  I firmly believe that Bob can be
10 classed as a high-caliber employee, the type which cannot be
11 dispensed with.  Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
12 promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
13 executed as soon as possible.

Addendum:

That idiot was standing over my shoulder while I wrote the report
sent to you earlier today.  Kindly re-read only the odd numbered
lines.

A Second Opinion

A man runs into the vet's office carrying his dog, screaming for
help. The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him
put his dog down on the examination table.  The vet examines the
still, limp body and after a few moments tells the man that his
dog, regrettably, is dead. The man, clearly agitated and not
willing to accept this, demands a second opinion.

The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat and puts
the cat down next to the dog's body. The cat sniffs the body,
walks from head to tail poking and sniffing the dog's body and
finally looks at the vet and meows. The vet looks at the man and
says, "I'm sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead too."

The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead.

The vet brings in a black Labrador. The lab sniffs the body,
walks from head to tail, and finally looks at the vet and barks.
The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the lab thinks
your dog is dead too."

The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and
asks how much he owes. The vet answers, "$650."

"$650 to tell me my dog is dead?" exclaimed the man....

"Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you $50 for
my initial diagnosis. The additional $600 was for the cat scan
and lab tests."

Through the kitchen window a farmer's wife sees her
son coming home from school. The boy's in a bad mood,
and as he crosses the field he kicks a pig. He walks a
little further and kicks a cow. Once inside, his
mother says, "I saw what you did, young man! For
kicking the pig you'll get no bacon for a week, and
for kicking the cow, no milk for a week."
Just at that moment, the boy's father walks through
the door and boots the cat halfway across the room.
The boy looks at his mother and says, "Do you wanna
tell him, or should I ?"

A woman asks her husband if he'd like some breakfast. "Would you like 
bacon and eggs, perhaps? A slice of toast? Grapefruit and coffee to 
follow?" she asks. He declines. "It's this Viagra," he says, "It's
really taken the edge off my appetite." 

At lunchtime, she asks if he would like something. "A bowl of home- 
made soup, home-made muffins or a cheese sandwich?" she inquires. 
He declines. "It's this Viagra," he says, "It's really taken the edge 
off my appetite." 

Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. She'll go to 
the store and buy him some food. "Would you like maybe a steak and 
apple pie? Maybe you'd like a pizza micro waved or a tasty stir-fry? 
That would only take a couple of minutes." He declines. "It's this 
Viagra," he says, "It's really taken the edge off my appetite." 

"Well," she says, "would you mind letting me up, then? I'm starving!"

A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while
they were drawing. She walked around to look at the artwork.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked
what  the drawing was.

The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."

The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like.

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing the girl
replied,  "They will in a minute."