John receives a phone call.
   
   "Hello," he answers.
   
   The voice on the other end says, "This is Susan. We met at a party
   about 3 months ago."
   
   John: "Hmm... Susan? About 3 months ago?"
   
   Susan: "Yes, it was at Bill's house. After the party you took me home.
   On the way we parked and got into the back seat. You told me I was a
   good sport."
   
   John: "Oh, yeah! Susan! How are you?"
   
   Susan: "I'm pregnant and I'm going to kill myself."
   
   John: "Say, you ARE a good sport."
   

   A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, "Martha, pack up
   your things. I just won the California lottery!"
   
   Martha replies, "Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?"
   
   The man responds, "I don't care. Just so long as you're out of the
   house by noon!"
   

   A man comes home from a tough day of work looking to unwind. After a
   relaxing dinner with his wife, they retire to bed. So, both go to
   their separate beds, however the man was not yet ready to slumber.
   
   The man calls over to his wife, "My little boopey-boo, I'm lonely."
   
   So the woman gets out of bed and crosses the room to the husband. On
   the way she trips on the carpet and falls on her face.
   
   The husband with a concerned look on his face says, "Oh, did my little
   honey-woney fall on her little nosey-wosey?"
   
   The woman gets up and enters the man's bed. The two have passionate
   sex and afterwards the woman rolls out. As she returns to her bed, she
   once again catches her foot on the carpet and falls flat on her face.
   
   The man looks over his shoulder at his wife lying on the floor and
   says, "clumsy bitch".
   

   One Fall day, Bill was out raking leaves when he noticed a hearse
   slowly drive by. Following the first hearse, was a second hearse which
   was followed by a man walking solemnly along, followed by a dog, and
   then about 200 men walking in single file.
   
   Intrigued, Bill went up to the man following the second hearse and
   asked him who was in the first hearse.
   
   "My wife," the man replied.
   
   "I'm sorry," said Bill. "What happened to her?"
   
   "My dog bit her and she died."
   
   Bill then asked the man who was in the second hearse.
   
   The man replied, "My mother-in-law. My dog bit her and she died as
   well."
   
   Bill thought about this for a while. He finally asked the man, "Can I
   borrow your dog?"
   
   To which the man replied, "Get in line."
   

An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed
the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and
get prepared for an emergency landing.

A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if
everyone was buckled in and ready.

"All set back here, Captain," came the reply, "except one
lawyer who is still going around passing out business cards."