"But this isn't an engagement ring." the young lady protested. 
"Why it's just a tiny unset diamond."

"Yeah ! I know." said the fellow, "And, it'll be mounted in a 
cluster around a big one, the very day after you are."

   There's a guy hitchiking along the highway, when along comes an
   18-wheeler. It pulls up, and comes to a grinding halt. The hitcher
   runs to the truck, reaches up, opens the door and jumps in. Inside the
   truck is the driver, and beside him is his pet monkey.
   
   "Great lookin' monkey, mate" said the hitcher.
   
   "Yeah, he's great company, and he looks after you as well. Take a look
   at this."
   
   Without further ado, the truckie winds up, and punches the monkey in
   the guts with all his might. The monkey dutifully bends down, unzips
   the truckie's fly, goes down and gets to work on the truckie at a
   vigorous pace. Once the captain of the Kenworth has unloaded his cargo
   all over the cabin, the monkey wipes him off, zips up his master's fly
   and sits back down in his seat in the cabin.
   
   "That's GREAT!!!" says the by now quite interested hitchiker. "Can I
   have a go??"
   
   The truckie looks across and replies, "Yeah sure, why not?"
   
   "There's only one thing though" says the hitcher.
   
   "What?"
   
   "There's no need to smack me in the guts so hard."
   

Two newlyweds are riding in the back of a limo on the way to 
their honeymoon boat cruise. The husband says, "Honey, I 
want to stop and pick up some condoms before we go." "Good 
idea," she says. "While you're in there, pick me up some 
Dramamine."

The groom gets out, walks into the drugstore and says to the 
clerk, "I'd like a box of condoms and a package of Dramamine, 
please."

"Yes sir, says the clerk, "but do you mind if I ask you a 
question? If it makes you nauseous, why do you do it?"

   There is a pit-bull, bull-dog, and a black lab all locked up in the
   local dog pound. The pit-bull decides to speak freely and says, "Ya
   know, it wasn't my fault I bit that kid's head off. Them kids have
   been throwing rocks at me for years and I just couldn't help but jump
   the fence one day and go after them. Now they are going to put me to
   sleep."
   
   The bull-dog speaks up and says, "I'm in for a similar incident. My
   master just wasn't paying any attention to me since that stinkin baby
   came along and one day while it was crawlin around on the floor I bit
   its leg off. Now they are going to put me to sleep too."
   
   Both the pit-bull and bull-dog look at the black lab and ask, "What
   are you in for?"
   
   The lab replies, "Well the other day my master's lady was walking
   around the house naked all day long cleaning the house. When she went
   into the bathroom and bent over to clean the tub I just couldn't take
   it anymore. I came up behind her, put my front paws on her back and
   mounted her."
   
   The pit-bull asks, "So when are you due to be put to sleep?"
   
   And the lab replies, "Oh, I'm not in to be put to sleep, I'm just in
   to have my nails trimmed and groomed."
   

   A man and his dog walk into a bar for a drink. The bartender sees the
   two and immediately decries, "Sorry sir, no dogs allowed in this bar."
   
   The man turns to the bartender and explains that this is no ordinary
   dog but a dog that likes to go down on women. The bartender notices
   the dog is quite mellow and doesn't feel like arguing with the man so
   he lets them stay.
   
   The waitress hears this and approaches the man telling him she would
   like to see this for herself. He agrees and she says, "I'll go
   upstairs and you send up the dog in 5 minutes."
   
   The man does and about 15 minutes later she comes back down angry,
   telling him the dog had just lain there doing nothing. The man replies
   that this has never been the case before, and offers to coach the dog,
   to which she agrees.
   
   They both go upstairs and she undresses and he tells the dog to do his
   thing and once again, the dog just lays there.
   
   The man looks over at the dog and says, "alright but I'm only gonna
   show you one more time.........."