One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd
   toss them in the air, then catch them in his mouth. In the middle of
   catching one, his wife asked a question, and as he turned to answer
   her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but
   succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for
   assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided
   to go to hospital.
   
   As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with
   her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date
   said he could get the peanut out. The young man told the father to sit
   down, then shoved two fingers up the father's nose and told him to
   blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out. The mother and
   daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was
   nothing and the daughter brought the young man out to the kitchen for
   something to eat. Once he was gone the mother turned to the father.
   
   The mother said, "That's wonderful. Isn't he smart? What do you think
   he's going to be when he grows older?!"
   
   The father replies "From the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law!"
   

   A guy works a new job on Thursday and Friday. On Monday he calls in
   and says, "I can't come in today. I'm sick."
   
   He works the rest of the week, but the following Monday he calls in
   and says, "I can't come in today. I'm sick."
   
   The boss asks the foreman about him, and the foreman says, "He's
   great. He does the work of two men. We need him."
   
   So the boss calls the guy into his office, and says, "You seem to have
   a problem getting to work on Mondays. You're a good worker and I'd
   hate to fire you. What's the problem? Anything we can help you with?
   Drugs? Alcohol?"
   
   The guy says, "No, I don't drink or do drugs. But my brother-in-law
   drinks every weekend, and then beats on my sister. So every Monday
   morning, I go over to make sure she's all right. She puts her head on
   my shoulder and cries, one thing leads to another, and the next thing
   you know, I'm fucking her."
   
   The boss says, "You fuck your sister?"
   
   The guy says, "Hey, I told you I was sick."
   

   A Kentucky family took a vacation to New York City. For an adventure,
   the father took his son to see a skyscraper. They were amazed by
   everything they saw -- especially the elevator at one end of the
   lobby.
   
   The boy asked, "What's that there, Paw?"
   
   The father responded, "Well, Son, I reckon I never did see nothing
   like this in my entire life. I got no derned idea what it is!"
   
   While the boy and his father were watching in wide-eyed astonishment,
   an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed
   a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a
   small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small
   circles of lights above the walls light up. They continued to watch
   the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened again,
   and a voluptuous 24-year-old woman stepped out.
   
   The father turned to his son and said, "Go git your Maw."
   

   This little boy and his grandfather are fishing. Granddad pulls out a
   beer and the little boy says "Grandpa, can I have one of those?"
   
   Grandpa says "Is your penis big enough to touch your asshole?" to
   which the little boy responds "No."
   
   "Then you can't have one."
   
   A while later, the granddad pulls out a cigar and the boy asks, "Can I
   have on of those?"
   
   Grandpa says "Is your penis big enough to touch your asshole?" to
   which the little boy responds "No."
   
   "Then you can't have one."
   
   Later on, Grandpa and Grandson go to the grocery store for food and
   each buy a lottery ticket. Grandpa is unlucky, but the little boy says
   "I just won $50,000"
   
   Grandpa says, "Great, your going to split that with me, right?"
   
   The little boy asks, "Grandpa, is your penis long enough to touch your
   asshole?"
   
   "Yes," Says grandpa.
   
   "Then go fuck yourself"
   

   One Sunday morning Joe burst into the living room and said, "Dad, Mom,
   I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most
   beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan.
   
   After dinner, Joe's dad took him aside, "Son, I have to talk with
   you.. Your mother and I have been married 30 years. She's a wonderful
   wife but she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I
   used to fool around with women a lot. Susan is actually your
   half-sister, and I'm afraid you can't marry her."
   
   Joe was heart-broken. After eight months he eventually started dating
   girls again. A year later he came home and very proudly announced,
   "Dianne said yes! We are getting married in June."
   
   Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke
   the sad news. "Diane is your half-sister too, Joe, I am very sorry
   about this."
   
   Joe was furious! He finally decided to go to his mother with the news.
   
   "Dad has done so much harm. I guess I am never going to get married",
   he complained. "Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl is my
   half-sister."
   
   His mother just shook her head. "Don't pay any attention to what he
   says, dear. He's not really your father."