An English taxidermist is sweating his way through the Australian outback when he comes across a bar. He staggers in between the beer swilling locals and in his well educated voice asks the bartender, "May I have a gin and tonic, please, my good man." One of the locals says to his mates, "Geez, cobbers, what kind of a fucking man's drink is that?" Then, turning to the Englishman, "Hey! You! Yes you, you fucking Pom! Gin and fucking tonic -- are you some fucking kind of a poofter or something?" "Ac...actually," the englishman, terrified, replies, "I'm a taxidermist." "Oh yeah? And what's a taxidermist then?" "I mount d..d..dead animals." "It's alright, cobbers," says the local, turning to his mates, "He's one of us!"
Last time the circus came to town, an ad for an animal trainer was placed in the local paper. Only two applicants showed up: a male and a female. The owner said he could only afford one animal trainer, so he would choose the one with the best act. At first glance it appeared that the female was much better prepared, since she came to the interview in a very long flowing cape, with a whip & chair. She looked more like a model than a trainer. The man's only distinguishing feature was a soggy cigar stuffed between his cracked and leathery lips. The owner asked who would like to go first, and the man said, "Ladies before Gentleman." So the lady asked for her special music to be played, and once the music started she entered the cage with a flurry of whip snapping. She motioned the attendant to release the tiger. The tiger leaped into the cage snarling. The young lady threw aside her whip, tossed back her cape and sat on the chair as naked as the day she was born. The tiger then circled her, sniffing the air,... then suddenly leaped toward her, put its face between her legs and started licking. She threw back her head moaning, holding the tiger by the ears with her thighs. She rode on the tiger's face all around the cage. Then the owner looked at the man and said, "That's quite an act,... Think you can do better than that?" The man spit out his cigar, licked his lips and said, "No problem, just get that tiger out of the cage!
A man feeling very depressed walked into a bar and ordered a triple scotch whiskey. As the bartender poured him the drink he remarked, "That's quite a heavy drink. Is something wrong?" After quickly downing his drink the man replied, "I got home and found my wife in bed with my best friend. "Wow", exclaimed the bartender as he poured the man a second triple scotch, "No wonder you needed a stiff drink. This one's on the house." As the man finished the second scotch, the bartender asked him, "So what did you do?" "I walked over to my wife", the man replied, "looked her straight in the eye and told her that we were through. I told her to pack her stuff and to get the hell out." "That makes sense," said the bartender, "but what about your best friend?" "I walked over to him, looked him right in the eye and said 'Bad dog!'"
Amy, a city girl, marries a farmer. One morning, before he goes out to the fields, the farmer says to her, "The artificial insemination man is coming to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a big nail into the two-by-four over the cow's stall. You show him where it is." The farmer leaves, and a while later, the artificial insemination man arrives. Amy takes him down the rows of cows until she sees the nail. She says, "This is the one, right here." The man says, "How do you know?" Amy says, "By the nail over its stall." The man says, "What's the nail for?" Amy says, "I guess it's to hang your pants on."
The composition teacher asked the class to write about an unusual event that happened during the past week. Little Johnny got up and read his essay. It began, "Daddy fell into the well last week..." "My goodness!" the teacher exclaimed. "Is he all right?" "He must be," said the boy. "He stopped yelling for help yesterday."
