I overheard a friend telling his pal, "I can't break my wife of the habit of staying up until 5 in the morning." "What is she doing?", the pal asks. "Waiting for me to get home."
A man in a state of excessive inebriation rolled up at a fairground rifle range booth and threw down the necessary money. The booth operator at first refused to let him have a turn, considering that his inebriated state would endanger the public. But the drunk insisted and was given a gun. He aimed unsteadily in the general direction of the target and after tying to focus, pulled the trigger three times. The booth owner, on inspecting the target, was astonished to see that he had scored three bullseyes. The star prize for the evening was a large set of glassware, but the showman was certain that the drunk wasn't aware of what he had done, and gave him instead a consolation prize, a small, live turtle. The drunk wandered off into the crowd. An hour or so later he came back, even more drunk than before. Once again the showman demurred, but once again the drunk insisted, and once more scored three bullseyes and was given another turtle. Eventually the drunk rolled up again and insisted on a third attempt. Once more he picked up the rifle, waved it around in the general direction of the target, and pulled the trigger three times. Once more he had scored three bullseyes. But this time there was an onlooker with good eyesight."That's fantastic", the man said. "Hasn't he scored three bulls?" The showman, cursing his luck, made a show of going over to the target and inspecting it closely. "Yes, sir!", he announced to the crowd. "This is fantastic! Congratulations, sir, you have won the star prize, this magnificent 68-piece set of glassware!" "I don't want any bloody glasses", the drunk replied. "Give me another one of those little crusty meat pies!"
NOTIFICATION TO ALL STAFF REGARDING LANGUAGE It has been brought to our attention that some individuals have been using foul language during the execution of their duties. Due to complaints from managers who are more easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated. We do realise, however, the importance of staff being able to properly express their feelings when communicating with other employees. With this in mind, the Human Resources Department has compiled a list of code phrases so proper exchange of ideas/information can continue in an effective manner without risking offence to our more sensitive brethren. Old Phrase New Phrase 1. No fucking way I'm fairly sure that this is not feasible 2. Your fucking joking Really 3. Tell someone who gives a fuck Have you run that by................ 4. No cunt told me I was not involved in that project 5. I don't have the fucking time Perhaps I can work late 6. Who fucking cares Are you sure that is the problem 7. Eat shit and die You don't say 8. Eat shit and die motherfucker You don't say, Sir 9. Kiss my arse So you would like me to help you 10. He's a fucking prick He is somewhat insensitive 11. That's fucking bullshit I find that hard to believe 12. You haven't got a fucking clue You could benefit from more training 13. This place is fucked We are a little disorganised today 14. What sort of fucker are you You're new here aren't you? 15. Fuck off shit head Well there you go 16. You're a fucking wanker You're my manager and I respect you 17. Ha! Fuck you I wasn't there that day 18. This is bollocks We need to look into this some more 19. I aint got no cunt I am rather short of labour 20. Fuck off I'll look into that and get back to you
A lawyer from New York was transfered to a small frontier town during the settlement of the West. After several weeks there he noticed that the town was populated solely by men. He asked one of the local cowboys, "What do you do when you get the urge for a woman?" The cowboy replied, "See them thar'sheep up on thet hill. We just go git us one." "That is disgusting and barbaric!!" replied the lawyer. After about 3 months the lawyer could not stand it any longer. He decided though, if he was going to do a sheep, he would show these yokels how to do it right. He picked out the prettiest sheep of the bunch, bathed her, put a pink ribbon on her, served her hay on a china plate, dressed her in fine lingerie, and then took the sheep to bed. After he finished he decided to take his new found lover out for a drink. He wandered into the local saloon with the sheep under his arm. The piano fell silent, people dropped drinks, and all the cowboys turned, and stared in shocked disbelief. The lawyer said, "You bunch of hypocrites. You look at me as if I'm some sort of freak for doing what you've been doing all along. I'm just doing it with more class." "That ain't the problem," replied one cowboy. "That's the sheriff's gal you're with."
A man wakes up early one morning and decides to go duck hunting. He tells his wife, "You've got three choices; you can go duck hunting with me, I'll do ya anally or you can give me a blowjob. I'm gonna load up the truck and get the dog out. Make up your mind before I get back." Hubby returns twenty minutes later and says, "Well what's it gonna be?" She say's, "There's no way I'm going duck hunting and you're not doing my ass so I guess it's a blowjob." A couple minutes later she starts choking and spitting and says, "Jesus, you taste like shit." "Oh yeah," he replies, "The dog didn't want to go duck huntin' either."
