Cop coming upon a young couple making out....
Cop: What the hell are you two doing?
Boy: See honey, I told ya cops were stupid.

Two Polish guys are discussing one's upcoming wedding... "I'm not sure if
my future bride is a virgin or not."
His buddy replies, "Oh, there's an easy test for that.  All you need is
some red paint, some blue paint and a shovel.  You paint one ball red and
one ball blue.  On your honeymoon, if she laughs and says 'Those are
the funniest balls I've ever seen!' you hit her with the shovel!"

A guy leaves his place at the bar to go have a piss. He comes back about
10 Minutes later, sits down at the bar, muttering & swearing very softly.
The barkeep approaches the customer and asks what the problem is.
"Oh some son-uv-a-bitch snuck up behind me while I was at the urinal and
put a gun to my head".
"Jesus Christ! What happened?"
"He told me to give him a blow job or he'd blow my brains out!"
"Yeah, then what?"
"Well you didn't hear a gun shot, did you?"

The teacher walked into the classroom to find words like "cunt" and "cock" 
scrawled all over the blackboard. "Children," she said, addressing the 
classroom, "you are much too young to use vile language like that. Now 
we're all going to close our eyes and count up to fifty. Then, while our 
eyes are closed, I want the little boy or girl who wrote those words on 
the board to tiptoe up and erase them." At the signal, the teacher and the 
children all closed their eyes. Then the teacher counted out loud, very 
slowly. When she reached fifty, she said, "All right. Everybody open their 
eyes." All eyes went to the blackboard. None of the words were erased. But 
below them was the message: "Fuck you, teacher! The Phantom strikes 
again!"

A blonde got lost in her car in a snow storm. She remembered what her dad 
had once told her. "If you ever get stuck in a snow storm, wait for a snow 
plow and follow it".
Pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it. She 
followed the plow for about forty-five minutes.
Finally the driver of the truck got out and asked her what she was doing.
She explained that her dad had told her if she ever got stuck in the snow, 
to follow a plow.
The driver nodded and said, "Well, I'm done with Wal-Mart; now you can 
follow me over to K-Mart."