Teacher: Why are you late?
Little Johnny: Because of the sign.
Teacher: What sign?
Little Johnny: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow. "That's what I
did.



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1 


A man was called to witness that a couple had been making love in a
park.

The witness: They were fucking your honor
The judge: Could the witness put it in a more Sheakspearian way:
The witness: The park was Dark but caused no fear
                    Until tiny sounds came to my ear
                    There was this couple on the ground there
                    and his balls were dangling in the air
                    and you know his what was in her you know where
                    If that wasn't fucking your Honor I wasn't there



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2 


A man is giving evidence in court and the defendant's barrister asks him 
"How far from the accident were you when it happened?"
He replied "36 feet, 2 and a quarter inches"
"Nonsence how can you be so precise"
"Well I knew some bloody fool would ask me so I measured it."



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3 


A man had been drinking at the bar for hours when he mentioned something
about his girlfriend being out in the car.
The bartender, concerned because it was so cold, went to check on her. 
When he looked inside the car, he saw the drunk's buddy, Pete, and his 
girlfriend going at it in the back-seat. The bartender shook his head and 
walked back inside. He told the drunk that he thought it might be a good 
idea to check on his girlfriend.
The drunk staggered outside to the car, saw Pete and his girlfriend
entwined, then walked back into the bar laughing. "What's so funny?" the
bartender asked.
"That damned Pete!" the drunk chortled, "He's so drunk, he thinks he's 
me!"



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4 


Don was looking for a little "action."  He picked up a sweet young thang 
at the bar and took her back to his hotel room. 
Little did he know she was damn near a nymphomaniac. 
After six times, she was screaming for more.  After the *eighth* time, Don 
told her that he needed to slip out for a pack of cigarettes.
On the way out, he stopped in the men's room. He stood in front of the 
urinal, unzipped, and felt a moment of panic when he couldn't find his 
dick.  After a couple of minutes of "fishing around," he finally said, 
"Look, it's ok.  She's not here!"



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5