There is a story about a popular young rabbi, who on
Sabbath eve announces to the congregation that he will
not renew his contract and is moving on to a larger
congregation that will pay him more.

There is a hush.  No one wants him to leave.

Epstein, who owns several car dealerships, stands up
and announces, "If the rabbi stays, I'll provide him with
a new sedan every year, and his lovely wife with a mini
van, to transport their children!"

The congregation sighs, and applauds.

Goldstein, the entrepreneur and investor stands and says,
"If the rabbi stays, I'll double his salary, and establish a
foundation to guarantee the college education of his
children!!"

More sighs and applause.

Old Mrs. Goldfarb, aged 96, stands and announces,
"If the rabbi stays, I offer SEX!!"

There is a hush.  The rabbi, blushing, asks, "Mrs. Goldfarb,
whatever possessed you to say that?"

Mrs. Goldfarb answers, "I just asked Mr. Goldfarb what we
could contribute to make the rabbi stay.  Mr. Goldfarb said,
'Fuck the rabbi.'"



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1 


This older Jewish man was on the operating table awaiting surgery and 
he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation. 
As he was about to receive the anesthesia he asked to speak to his son. 
"Yes Dad, what is it?"
"Don't be nervous, son, do your best and just remember, if it doesn't
go well, if something happens to me ... your mother is going to come
and live with you and your wife...."



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2 


From a Southwest Airlines employee....

"Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX, to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, 
insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like 
every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you 
probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a 
sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the 
ceiling.  Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If 
you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before 
assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, 
decide now which one you love more."



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3 


Miles Dobson was away from home on business in another city. When he 
called home, his wife told him, "Miles, they had your name in the obits 
today."
"What! In the obituary column! That's not only disgraceful but bad 
journalism. I'll sue 'em."
"Tell me, Miles," his wife asked tremulously, "wh...wh...where are you 
calling from?" 



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4 


Little Johnny was in a spelling bee in class. He had to spell the word and 
use it in a sentence. The teacher asked him to please spell the word EAR. 
Little Johnny stood up and proudly said EAR E,A,R. Then to use it in a 
sentence he pretended to take a big hit off a joint and then while 
pretending to have his lungs full of smoke he predended to pass the joint 
to little Suzy and said "Ear" 




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5