How many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two.
One to hold the giraffe and the other to fill the bathtub with
brightly colored machine tools.

This fundamentalist Christian couple felt it important to own an equally
fundamentally Christian pet.  So, they went shopping.
At a kennel specializing in this particular breed, they found a dog they
liked quite a lot.  When they asked the dog to fetch the Bible, he did it 
in a flash.  When they instructed him to look up Psalm 23, he complied 
equally fast, using his paws with dexterity.  They were impressed, 
purchased the animal, and went home (piously, of course).
That night they had friends over.  They were so proud of their new
fundamentalist dog and his major skills, they called the dog and showed 
off a little.
The friends were impressed, and asked whether the dog was able to do any 
of the usual dog tricks, as well.  This stopped the couple cold, as they 
hadn't thought about "normal"  tricks.
Well, they said, "let's try this out."
Once more they called the dog, and they clearly pronounced the command,
"Heel!"
Quick as a wink, the dog jumped up, put his paw on the man's forehead,
closed his eyes in concentration, and bowed his head.

Schick is walking down the boardwalk in Atlantic City, runs into a hooker,
and he says, "How much?"
She says, "Twenty bucks."
He says, "All right."
They climb down under the boardwalk, and he bangs her.  The next night, he
runs into the same hooker, they go under the boardwalk, only this time 
while he's banging her, she blasts two incredible farts.  When they get 
done, he hands her twenty-FIVE dollars.
She says, "What the extra five?"
He says, "That's for blowing the sand off my balls."

The Perverse Guide To Getting Hired

Chapter 1 - The Resume

     Your resume is a crucial document that summarises the
essence of your being to a potential employer.  You must grab
a personnel director's attention with your sheer, overpowering
wonderfulness, or your vitae will wind up lining the bottom of
her parakeet's cage.  Write a boring resume and you might as well
run down now and join the other unemployed grads behind the
appliance store, fighting for the choicest refrigerator carton to
live in.
     To grab an employer's jaded eye you must create the written
equivalent of a banshee wail!  Print your resume on hunter's
orange paper, so it nearly leaps out of the stack.  Experiment
with striking fonts, and use as many as possible.  Writing your
name in 2 inch high 3-D Western style letters at the top says
"Check ME out! I'm no shrinking violet!"  Sprinkle a bit of your
most sensual cologne on the sheet, and ladies, be sure to add a
good lipstick smooch mark at the bottom.  Don't forget your
picture, too!  Be sure and staple several of your best 8x10
glossies from Glamour Shots on top.
     Now that you've achieved that visceral "oomph", it's time to
polish the contents to bring out or even invent your positive
qualities.  Remember, a skilled wordsmith can transform any
qualification or attribute, no matter how trifling, into a
saleable skill.  Let's look at some examples of putting the best
"spin" on a job seeker's skills:

"I flipped burgers for three weeks at Lardee's."

     A mere burger flipper?  Why sell yourself so short?
Describe yourself as a "Grill Co-ordinator", or perhaps a
"Culinary Technician".

"I subbed in for my nephew's paper route one weekend."

     Ah!  So you were previously employed in "Communication
Services!"  Describe yourself as a "Journalism Representative."

"I spent the last five years sitting on a couch eating Cheetos
and watching Charlie's Angels reruns."

     You can transform the pathetic into the energetic by
referring to yourself as a "Consumer Broadcasting Specialist."
Let them know how much time you've wisely invested in "Popular
Drama Studies."

"I worked in telemarketing."

     Die you scumbag.

"I like to drink 3 or 4 bottles of Night Train wine and pass out
in a puddle of my own urine."

     I see!  An "Alternative Hygiene Researcher" who throws
himself into his work!

     Always remember to use active, "can-do" language in your
resume, and be sure to include as many of the following terms as
possible:

     1) Excellence (can't get enough of this one!)
     2) Goal-oriented
     3) Forward-thinking
     4) Like Working with People (as opposed to zoo animals)
     5) Striving (everyone likes a striver!)

It may be useful to define these as keyboard macros immediately.


Chapter 2 - The Interview

     So now you've got that big chance to shine in person.  Once
again, you've got to stand out from the crowd!  First, consider
your apparel carefully.  Gold lame harem pants will leave a
lasting impression, as will a nice fish or penis tie, available
in classier novelty stores.  Make these items staples of your
professional wardrobe.  Next, practice that handshake, and
consider adding a little thumb twist manoeuvre or a good high-
five.  And remember, no one likes shaking dry, chapped hands, so
make sure yours are damp when you leave the restroom.  Now jump
right in, and distinguish yourself with your first words.  Here's
some suggestions for opening lines:

"The voices told me I'm perfect for this job."
"I can make an impressive incendiary device from just your tie,
that pen, and a quart of anti-freeze."
"Maybe you can't tell, but I'm not wearing any underwear."
"Let's make this fast, I'm late for my medication."
"The foil wrapped around my head is to block out invisible rays."
"I was once abducted by a UFO, and the aliens let me pilot their
Starship."
"I brought my invisible friend, is that okay?"
"I have the gift of second sight, and if you step on Flight 109,
it will be your last!"

     Now that you've made a big impression, make sure you'll have
plenty of time to expound upon your finer qualities.  Consider
handcuffing yourself to the interviewer's desk, or perhaps smear
super-glue on your hand and grab them while shouting "Wonder twin
powers, activate!"
     Conclude the interview as notably as you began it.  A
gratuity is always welcome, so palm the interviewer a crisp new
dollar in the closing handshake while saying "Guess Mr.
Washington and I have this job wrapped up, huh? (wink, wink)"
And certainly don't forget the follow-up!  Unless a restraining
order has been obtained by the employer, call collect every hour
thereafter to remind them of your sincerity.

I saw a pen in a store the other day. I picked it up and took a look at it
cause it was prettier than most.
The clerk said, "It's made in Germany".
I said, "That's too bad, I can't use it then".
The clerk said, "What's the matter? You don't like German pens?"
I said, "No. I just never learned to write German."