A priest was vested in his surplus and cassock ready to process at the 
beginning of the service. His surplus was very ornate and he was swinging 
the incense pot which had smoke coming from it. A lady touched him on the 
shoulder and said, "Darling, I love your dress; but your purse is on 
fire!"



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1 


Seymour was a good and pious man, and when he passed away, the Lord 
himself greeted him at the pearly gates of heaven. 
"Hungry, Seymour?" the Lord asked.
"I could eat," said Seymour.
The Lord opened a can of tuna, and they shared it.
While eating this humble meal, Seymour looked down into Hell and noticed 
the inhabitants devouring enormous steaks, pheasant, pastries and vodka.
The next day, the Lord again asked Seymour if he were hungry, and Seymour 
again said, "I could eat."
Once again, a can of tuna was opened and shared, while down below Seymour 
noticed a feast of caviar, champagne, lamb, truffles, brandy, and 
chocolates.
The following day, mealtime arrived and another can of tuna was opened. 
Meekly, Seymour said, "Lord, I am very happy to be be in heaven as a 
reward for the good life I lived. But, this is heaven, and all I get to 
eat is tuna. But in the Other Place, they eat like Kings. I just don't 
understand." 
"To be honest, Seymour," the Lord said, "for just two people, does it pay 
to cook?"



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2 


A woman got a problem with her closet door - it was felling every time a 
bus was passing by. So she called a repair man. The repairman comes and 
sees that  indeed, the door falls out every time when a bus passes by. 
"OK, I am gonna see what is going on,  just close the door behind me" and 
he stepps into the closet. At  that time the husband comes from work, 
opens the closet and finds the repairman. 
Husband:  "What the hell are you doing here!"
Repairman:"Well, you are not going to believe it, but I am waiting for a 
bus!"

Sent by Ser



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3 


Two men were walking through the woods when a large bear
walked out into the clearing no more than 50 feet in front of them.
The first man dropped his backpack and dug out a pair of running
shoes, then began to furiously attempt to lace them up as the bear
slowly approached them. The second man looked at the first,
confused, and said, "What are you doing? Running shoes aren't
going to help, you can't outrun that bear." "I don't need to," said
the first man, "I just need to outrun you."



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4 


Tooth Fairy Form Letter

Dear ____________:

Thank you for leaving [01] tooth under your pillow last night.

While we make every attempt to leave a monetary reward in the case of
lost or stolen children's teeth, we were unable to process your
request for the following reason(s) indicated below:

( ) the tooth could not be found
( ) it was not a human tooth
( ) we do not think that pieces of chicken bone are very funny
( ) we were unable to approach the tooth due to excessive odour
( ) the tooth has previously been redeemed for cash
( ) the tooth did not originally belong to you
(x) you were overheard to state that you do not believe in the tooth
    fairy
( ) you were age 12 or older at the time your request was received
( ) the tooth is still in your mouth (x) the tooth was
    guarded by a vicious fairy-eating dog at the time of our visit
( ) no nightlight was on at the time of our visit
(x) the snacks provided for the tooth fairy were not satisfactory, or
    were missing
( ) we discovered evidence of unsafe tooth extraction as follows:
    [ ] string
    [ ] pliers
    [ ] gunpowder
    [ ] hammer marks
    [ ] chisel
    [ ] part of skull attached to tooth
    [ ] no dental care
( ) other:

Instead of the usual cash redemption, we have provided the following
certificate which you may attempt to exchange at a retail store near
you. Thank you for your request, and we look forward to serving you in
the future.

Sincerely,

The Tooth Fairy





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5