A Chinese man is making love to his wife.  He whispers in her ear,
"Baby, I wanna' 69!"

She gives him a strange look and replies, 
"You want Beef and Broccoli NOW?"

    A game warden came upon a duck hunter who had bagged 3
   ducks and decided to "enforce the laws pending." He stopped the
   hunter, flashed his badge and said, "Looks like you've had a pretty
   good day. Mind if I inspect your kill?" The hunter shrugged and handed
   the ducks to the warden. The warden took one of the ducks, inserted
   his finger into the duck's rectum, pulled it out, sniffed it, and
   said, "This here's a Washington state duck. Do you have a Washington
   state hunting license?" The hunter pulled out his wallet and calmly
   showed the warden a Washington state hunting license. The warden took
   a second duck, inserted his finger in the bird's rectum, pulled it
   out, sniffed it, and said, "This here's an Idaho duck. Do you have an
   Idaho state hunting license?" The hunter, a bit put out, produced an
   Idaho state hunting license. The warden took a third duck, conducted
   the same finger test, and said, "This here's an Oregon state duck. Do
   you have an Oregon state hunting license?" Once again, only this time
   more aggravated, the hunter produced the appropriate license. The
   warden, a little miffed at having struck out, handed the ducks back to
   the hunter and said, "You've got all of these licenses, just where the
   hell are you from?" The hunter dropped his pants, bent over, and said
   "You're so smart, YOU tell ME!"

   Q. Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra?
   A. When you take it off you wonder where her tits went.

Holiday Party Festivity Levels

Level I: 

     Your guests are conversing quietly, nibbling at their hors d'oerves,
     and sipping their drinks. Later, some of the gather by the piano to
     sing carols while others admire the ornaments on your tree. 

Level II: 

     Your guests are talking loudly, wolfing hors d'oerves, and drinking
     from the bottles. Some people gather by the piano to sing "I Gotta
     Be Me" while others begin rearranging your ornaments. 

Level III: 

     Your guests are arguing wildly among themselves, those that haven't
     passed out from the upside-down margaritas. One person is singing
     "I Can't Get No Satisfaction", which can barely be heard over the
     sound of breaking ornaments. A small group of guests begin placing
     hors d'oerves in the piano to see what happens when the little
     hammers strike. 

Level IV: 

     Your guests, hors d'oerves smeared over their naked bodies, are
     performing a ritualistic dance around the burning Christmas tree.
     The piano is missing. 

In general, you want to keep your party around Level III, unless you rent
your home, have insurance, and are carrying firearms. The quickest way to
get to Level III is egg-nog. 

Did you hear about that guy who was tap dancing?

He broke his ankle when he fell into the sink.