"If you let that sort of thing go on, your bread and
butter will be cut right out from under your feet." 

     - Former British foreign minister Ernest Bevin 

"If I have seen farther than others, it is because I
was standing on the shoulders of giants." 

     - Isaac Newton 

Seems to me the basic conflict between men and women,
sexually, is that men are like firemen. To men, sex
is an emergency, and no matter what we're doing we can
be ready in two minutes. Women, on the other hand, are
like fire. They're very excited, but the conditions have
to be exactly right for it to occur. 

    - Jerry Seinfeld 

I've found Jesus. He was behind the sofa the whole time.

Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to
       calm myself down. I'll go over to the person's house and ring the
       doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you
       know what I've left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife
       stuck in the side of its head with a note that says "You." After
       that, I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done.