How offensive is that?

Jesus has just been nailed to the cross and has begun to suffer 
from the wounds, A crowd has gathered to watch and 
sympathize with Him. As Jesus looks out over the gathering he 
calls to one of his apostle's. "Paul... Paul," He calls out.

Paul hears his name and comes to the front of the 
gathering. "Yes Jesus,how may I serve you" he exclaims. Just 
then a guard comes up to Paul, cuts Paul's right arm off with 
his sword, and throws him back into the crowd, saying "No 
one is allowed to speak with the prisoner!" 

Jesus once again calls his name. "Paul . . .Paul", he calls. 
Paul, determined goes to the front of the gathering again. There 
he meets the same gaurd who this time cuts off the left arm, and 
both legs and throws him back into the crowd.

Jesus yells out once again , "Paul,...Paul". Paul , who is now 
lying on his back on the ground attempts to roll to the front of 
the gathering. The guard seeing this determination and devotion 
finally weakens and decides to let Paul speak to Jesus. He 
goes over to Paul, picks him up and brings him to the front of 
the crowd. 

Paul, with tears in his eyes looks up to his savior and speaks, 
"Yes Jesus, I am here. What is it I can do for you?" 

Jesus looks over the horizon and then to Paul and states,"Oh 
nothing. I just wanted to tell you that I could see your house 
from here!"

Two buddies get together and decide to
go to a whorehouse, one of them tired of
doing it with his wife all the time, the
other not having it done for a long time.
 Anyways the married one goes up and
comes down and says " My wife is much
better".  "Allright" goes the other guy,
" Let me go try the same woman."
Well he goes and screws the whore,
comes than says to his buddy,  " You are
right man, Your wife is much better."

A middle aged rancher in pioneer days of old, had growen tired of working so hard
to build a beautiful ranch house and huge herd to go with it.  So he thought it
would be nice to get one of those mail order brides. Well he sent for one and
on the day she was arriving he hitched up his horse and buggy and headed for the
nearest train station.  After meeting his new bride, he loaded all her bags into
the wagon and then headed for thier honeymoon home. They had traveled only two
miles when the horse stumbled, and the rancher got out and whipped the horse to
its feet. He looked at the horse and said "THATS ONE" and got back in the wagon
smiled at the woman and continued on thier way.  They traveled only another two
miles when the horse stumbled again, and again the rancher got out of the wagon
to whip the horse to its feet, telling the horse "THATS TWO".  He took his seat
beside his new bride and continued on thier way.  After traveling another two
miles the horse stumbled for the third time.  The rancher got out of the wagon
carrying his rifle, he walk up to the horse and shot it right between the eyes,
saying"THATS THREE". He turn to the wagon only to hear his new bride say "why
in the hell did you do that for, now we have to walk".  The rancher turn to the
woman and said "THATS ONE".

   "Winnie The ????"

   It was the first day after Christmas vacation in a 3rd grade class.
   The
   teacher told the class that each student could tell the class one
   thing
   they got for Christmas. So, the teacher calls on a girl to come up to
   the front of the class and tell everyone 1 thing she got.
   "My daddy got me a Bow-Wow," she said.
   The teacher tells the class that they are old enough to know the
   correct
   words for things without using nicknames. The teacher tells the girl
   to
   try again. The girl thinks real hard ........
   "My dad got me a dog," she said.
   She sat down and a boy got up and said, "I got a choo-choo!"
   The teacher scolded him and told him to try again. The boy thought
   hard
   and said, "I got an electric train!!"
   That boy sits down and a really shy kid gets up and sadly says,
   "I got a book" The teacher feels bad for the kid and she asks,
   "What was the title of the book??"
   The boy thinks very hard. The class waits as the boy is thinking.
   Finally, the boys face brightened and he said,
   "Winnie The Shit!!"

A fellow dies, goes to hell, and is surprised when
confronted by a room full of beautiful blondes and
kegs of beer. He asks a nearby demon if this is
really hell, and what was so bad about the place.

"Well," said the demon, "the kegs all have holes in
the bottoms, and the blondes don't!"