Why do gay men have moustaches? 

     To hide the stretchmarks. 

There was a farmer, sitting on the front porch of his house this one hot
summer day, when this kid comes walking down the road carrying a big
bundle of wire.
"Hey kid!" the farmer says. "Where ya goin' with that wire?"
"Well," the kid drawls, "this here ain't just any ol' wire, this here's
chicken wire -- I'm fixin' to catch me some chickens!"
"You can't catch chickens with chicken wire!"
"Sure I can!" the kid says, and takes off down the road. He comes back at
the end of the day and sure enough, he's got a whole mess of chickens
caught in his chicken wire. 
Well, the farmer's sitting on his porch the next day, and the same kid
comes walking down the lane, carrying a big roll of tape. 
"Hey kid!" the farmer yells. "Where ya goin' with that tape?" "Well, this
here ain't just any ol' tape, this here's duck tape -- I'm fixin' to catch
me some ducks!"
"You can't catch ducks with duck tape!" the farmer yells back. "Sure I
can!" the kid says, and takes off down the road. He comes back at the end
of the day and again, the farmer can't believe his eyes. The kid had a
whole bunch of ducks all wrapped up tightly in his tape. 
The next day the farmer's sitting on his porch again, and the kid comes
walking down the road carrying a stick. 
"Hey kid!" the farmer says. "Where ya goin' with that stick?"
"Well, this here ain't just any old stick, this here's pussy willow."

"Hang on," the farmer says, "I'll get my hat." 

Why did god invent alcohol? 

     - So fat women can get laid too. 

A WOMAN'S SCHEDULE
1. Get up. 
2. Pee. 
3. Drink raspberry-cranberry tea. 
4. Pee. 
5. Apply makeup. Pee first so you don't have to stop in the 
middle. 
6. Drive to work. Pee at gas station. Complain about dirty 
restroom. Go to a different gas station and pee there. 
7. Get to work at Burger King. Pee. Wash hands. 
8. Lunch. Slimfast. Pee. 
9. Arrive home. Pee. Shower. Pee. 
10. Promise sex to husband. Pee. Get up in the middle of sex 
and pee. 
11. Pee. Go to bed. Get up at 3 A.M. waking husband but 
instead of giving him head, go and pee.

What's the difference between mayonaise and sperm?
Mayonaise doesn't hit the back of a girls throat at 40 mph.