The way to a man's heart is through his feet

(but you need a long knife). 

What does a woman do to her asshole in the morning? 

    -Sends him to work.

    A man is walking along one day and he comes upon a ladder.
   Looking up, he sees that the ladder disappears into the clouds.
   Curious, he begins to climb. Before long, he is *in* the clouds. He
   looks around and sees the most horribly ugly woman he has ever seen in
   his life.
   Obese, snaggle-toothed, matted hair..... She looks at him, beckons,
   and says, "Have sex with me, or climb the ladder to success."
   Well, having no intention of doing *anything* with this woman, the man
   climbs higher up the ladder. A bit further on, he comes upon a woman
   slightly less ugly than the woman before. Not attractive, by any
   means, but not repugnant. "Have sex with me, or climb the ladder to
   success, "she says.
   Again, the man elects to continue his climb.
   Before long, he comes upon another woman. This one is actually
   attractive. Not a knock-out, but very pleasing. "Have sex with me, or
   climb the ladder to success."
   Well, he figures the women keep getting better and better looking as
   he gets higher and higher. So he decides to continue climbing.
   A bit farther up is the most gorgeous woman he's ever seen in his
   life! Miss America beautiful. In a sultry voice she says, "Have sex
   with me, or climb the ladder to success." Well, needless to say he is
   *very* tempted.
   But he just can't imagine what could top this woman, so he decides to
   climb higher.
   On the next cloud up is a horrid 500 lb man. You can see the lice in
   his hair, he stinks, his clothes are ratty..... "Who are you?" our
   climber asks in horror. Grinning a toothless grin, the man looks at
   him and says, "Hi. I'm Cess.

   Bank Teller
   A middle aged man walks into the bank and says to the young teller, "I
   want to open a
   fucking checking account". "Please sir", she replies, "we can't have
   language like that in
   here." "Why the Fuck not?" he asked. "Sir," Came her retort, "I must
   ask you to refrain
   from swearing." "I don't give a shit what you want," he answers, "I
   just want to open a
   fucking checking account."
   With this the teller leaves and returns in a moment with her branch
   manager. The manager
   asks if he might be able to help the gentleman. "Shit yes", came the
   reply, "I just won 14
   million dollars in the lottery and want to open a fucking checking
   account." The branch
   manager says, "I see, and this stupid, fucking, bitch is giving you a
   hard time?"
   

Friend: Vern, are you going to take your wife Alice on your next cruise?
Vern: Yes, indeed. I just can't leave her behind alone.