If the NSA made toasters...
Your toaster would have a secret trap door that only the
NSA could access in case they needed to get at your toast
for reasons of national security.

What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall?
"Dam".

Two retired ladies were on the beach in Miami.
They were discussing the fact that if they go
for a swim, someone might steal their cigarettes,
but if they take the cigarettes with them, they
will get soaked. Then they notice a gorgeous girl
walking out of the ocean. She reaches into the top
of her swimsuit, pulls out a perfectly dry
cigarette and book of matches and lights up. The
ladies go up to the girl and ask, "How do you keep
your cigarettes dry?" Her answer, "I put them inside
of a condom."
     The women rush to a pharmacy and ask for a
condom. When the pharmacist asks, "What size?" one of
the ladies says, "It should fit a Camel."

THERE WERE THREE OLD LADIES SITTING AROUND THE KITCHEN TABLE; GERTRUDE, 
SOPHIA, AND HARRIET.  GERTRUDE SAID, "I THINK I'LL GO UPSTAIRS NOW AND TAKE
A BATH."  SHE TOOK ALL HER CLOTHES OFF AS AS SHE WAS FILLING UP THE TUB, SHE
HAD ONE FOOT IN THE TUB AND THE OTHER STILL OUTSIDE THE TUB.  SHE SAID "WAS
I GOING INTO THE TUB, OR COMING OUT OF THE TUB?"  SOPHIA AND HARRIET WERE 
DOWNSTAIRS CHATTING WITH EACH OTHER, WHEN SOPHIA SAID, "YOU KNOW, 
GERTRUDE'S BEEN UP THERE FOR QUITE A WHILE, I'D BETTER GO CHECK ON HER."  
AS SHE WAS GOING UP THE STAIRS SHE STOPPED AND TURNED AROUND AND SAID, "WAS
I GOING UP THE STAIRS, OR COMING DOWN THE STAIRS?"  HARRIET WAS LEFT 
SITTING AT THE TABLE BY HERSELF.  AFTER SHE HEARD SOPHIA'S REMARK SHE SAID,
"THANK GOODNESS I'M NOT THAT BAD KNOCK ON WOOD."  "WAS THAT THE FRONT DOOR 
OR THE BACK DOOR?"

How come Mexico never has a good Olympic team?



      Because all of the mexicans that can run, jump, or swim are in the U.S.