Miracle Bra Alternative
   A husband, tired of his wife asking him how she looks, buys her a full
   length mirror. This
   does little to help, as now she just stands in front of the mirror,
   looking at herself, asking
   him how she looks.
   One day, fresh out of the shower, she is yet again in front of the
   mirror, now complaining
   that her breasts are too small.
   Uncharacteristically, the husband comes up with a suggestion. "If you
   want your breasts to
   grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between
   your breasts for a few
   seconds."
   Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and
   stands in front of the
   mirror, rubbing it between her breasts.
   "How long will this take?" she asks.
   "They'll grow gradually larger over a period of some years," he
   replies.
   The wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper
   between my breasts
   everyday will make my breasts grow?" she asks.
   The husband shrugs. "Why not, it worked for your ass, didn't it?"
   

   A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he
   could buy him a drink.
   "Why of course," comes the reply.
   The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"
   "I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.
   The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's
   have another round to
   Ireland."
   "Of course," replies the second man.
   Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?"
   "Dublin," comes the reply.
   "I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's
   have another drink to
   Dublin."
   "Of course," replies the second man.
   Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you
   go to?"
   "Saint Mary's," replies the second man, "I graduated in '62."
   "This is unbelievable!", the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's
   and I graduated in '62,
   too!"
   About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar.
   "What's been going
   on?" he asks the bartender.
   "Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Mally twins are drunk
   again."
   

Attorney to witness: "What was the first thing your husband 
said to you when he woke up that morning?"

Witness: "Where am I Cathy?"

Attorney: "And why did that upset you?"

Witness: "Because my name is Susan."

    The Letter D Pulls Out

   LETTER D PULLS SPONSORSHIP FROM SESAME STREET
   Noted Consonant Alienated By Controversial New Gay Muppet
   NEW YORK--A spokesperson for the letter D announced Monday that the
   consonant is withdrawing sponsorship from Sesame Street following a
   Children's Television Workshop announcement that a homosexual muppet
   will soon join the show's cast.
   "The letter D is proud to have brought you many wonderful Sesame
   Street episodes throughout the program's 28-year history," said
   Patricia Willis, public-relations director for D. "But the letter D
   does not condone the sort of morally questionable lifestyles that
   Sesame Street is advocating with the introduction of this new
   character. It can no longer in good conscience associate itself with
   the show." Willis said D's withdrawal is effective immediately, and
   applies to both capital and lower-case versions of the letter.
   The gay muppet, "Bruce," will be introduced on Sesame Street Dec. 23,
   CTW director Leslie Charren said. Thus far, no other sponsors have
   pulled out, though the number seven has requested an advance tape of
   the episode before it makes a decision.
   Many public-television insiders believe D's withdrawal was motivated
   by a desire not to alienate religious conservatives, a section of the
   population that employs the letter frequently.
   "D is for, among other things, demagoguery, dogma and doctrine, words
   crucial to right-wing groups like the Christian Coalition," said Yale
   University political-science professor J. Wright Franklin. "It is
   likely that D felt it could ill afford to offend such a large segment
   of its users."
   While a long-term replacement for D has not yet been secured by Sesame
   Street, the number three will temporarily fill in for it in a number
   of the show's animated shorts. Other pieces will simply skip from C to
   E, with vocalists stretching out C into two syllables to match the
   rhythm of the alphabet song.
   Sesame Street is stung by the sudden departure of its longtime
   supporter. Speaking to reporters, cast member Cookie Monster said: "Me
   disappointed letter D choose to end relationship with Sesame Street
   due to pressure from extremely vocal minority. We accused of endorsing
   deviant lifestyle. Me say homosexuality natural, not immoral.
   Diversity and enrichment. That's good enough for me." ----------------
   Q: How do you find Ronald McDonald on a nude beach?
   A: It's easy, he's the one with the sesame seed buns!

    The Unofficial Manual for Graduate Teaching Assistants

   Teaching Introductory Computer Science Courses for Non-majors
   LATE HOMEWORK When a student turns in his/her project two weeks late
   and asks for full credit, accept the late work and tell them that it
   will be awarded full credit. However, do inform them that you will not
   have time to grade it until after you complete your Ph.D.
   DISRUPTIVE STUDENTS 1. If students will not stop talking when the
   class period begins, announce that there will be a quiz the following
   day on today's lecture. Then leave. 2. If your students are prone to
   reading the school paper in class, try taking out a full page ad in
   the paper informing them that they are going to flunk your class.
   LECTURES 1. In the event that you are unprepared for a lecture, be
   sure to use the class time to stress to the class the importance of
   keeping up with the readings. In fact, spend most of the class time
   stressing this. 2. When the time comes to lecture on a subject you
   know nothing about, the art of controlled digression is invaluable.
   Here, you try to incite unrelated questions from the class which you
   answer at length. Then at the end of class scold them for digressing
   and tell them they'll just have to get the material from the book.
   GRADING 1. Always use a fire engine red felt-tip marker with a 1/2
   inch tip to grade papers. Position your comments strategically so that
   they spell "DUMB" when seen from a distance. 2. You may grade
   assignments however you like. Here is a guide to quick and easy
   grading: 20 % Name 20 % Penmanship 50 % Homework is stapled together
   10 % The work itself Warning: Be prepared for a 60% class average.
   GRADING ERRORS If student A approaches you complaining that an answer
   on their exam was marked incorrect but was marked correct on student
   B's exam, promptly mark student B's answer incorrect as well. This
   will redirect the heat from you onto student A.
   EXTRA CREDIT 1. If students request extra credit to make up for the
   homework they didn't turn in, be sure to make the opportunity
   available to them. Some good extra credit problems are: Solve the
   dining philosopher's problem, using semaphores. Write a C compiler for
   the Commodore 64. Translate Moby Dick into ASCII-8 code with a
   leftmost odd parity bit. Design a replacement for the 80486 chip.
   Build a File Allocation Table (FAT) out of balsa wood. 2. You may also
   wish to tell the student that they can do extra credit work while you
   decide whether to accept it. When the student turns in the work,
   decide against it.
   CHEATING 1. When it is obvious to you that several people have copied
   each other's homework, grade one person's work on a separate sheet of
   paper, then photocopy your comments onto everyone else's homework. 2.
   Should you have very skilled cheaters in your class, try giving
   incorrect information during your lectures. This should result in
   incorrect answers on exams. Examples that have proven effective
   include: The three components of a computer system are Larry, Moe and
   Curly. The only possible digits in the binary system are 0, 1, and 2.
   The three components of the CPU are the ALU, REGISTERS and cheap
   bathroom lighting fixtures. The microphone is an output device.
   "Booting" the computer involves waving a large magnet over your hard
   drive for 60 seconds. MS-DOS is the operating system for the CRAY
   Y-MP. When preparing to purchase a new computer system running
   Windows, you should make sure it has at least 128,000 bytes of main
   memory. Protocols include saluting your computer and calling the mouse
   "sir". CPU stands for Ceramic Public Urinal. Structured Programming
   says that you can write any computer program using only three basic
   control structures: Sequence, Selection and Guessing.
   LAB You are expected to spend at least 4 hours each week in the lab to
   assist with student's questions. Students have been known to come up
   with some real beauties: "Why should I save it? I wasn't done yet."
   "My disk erased itself!" "Hurry up, I need help. This was due last
   week." "Directory? What's that?" "What do I need my textbook for? I'm
   using a computer." Here are the solutions to the most common problems:
   P: "The screen is blank - I can't see what I'm doing" S: Turn on the
   monitor P: "How do I get into Windows?" S: Stare at it long enough and
   it will start to look like candy. P: "I can't get this computer to do
   anything." S: Have them move to a computer that has a keyboard. P:
   "The stupid printer printed the wrong file." S: Reprimand the printer.
   P: "WordPerfect didn't do what I told it to do." S: Tell them they
   have to earn its respect first.