A young couple are on their way to Vegas to get married. Before
   getting there, the girl said to the guy that she has a confession to
   make: the reason that they have not been too intimate is because she
   is very flat-chested. If he wishes to cancel the wedding, it's okay
   with her. The guy thought about it for a while, and said he does not
   mind she is flat, and sex is not the most important thing in a
   marriage.
   
   Several miles down the road, the guy turned to the girl and said that
   he also wants to make a confession; he said below his waist, it is
   just like a baby. If the girl wants to cancel the marriage, its okay
   with him. The girl thought about it for a while and said that she does
   not mind, and she also believed there are other things far more
   important than sex in a marriage.
   
   They were happy that they are honest with each other. They went on to
   Vegas and got married. On their wedding night, the girl took off her
   clothes, she was flat as a washboard. Finally, the guy took off his
   clothes. One glance at the guy's naked body, the girl fainted and fell
   to the floor.
   
   After she became conscious the guy asked: "I told you before we got
   married, why did you still faint?"
   
   The girl said: "You told me it was just like a baby".
   
   The guy replied: "Yes, 8 pounds and 21 inches".
   

What does a Jewish American Princess make for dinner? 

    Reservations. 

Staring down from the bench to announce the terms of the
divorce decree, the judge turned to the husband and said:
"I'm going to award her alimony in the amount of $250 a month." 

To which the woman's about-to-be ex replied: "That's mighty
kind of you, judge. I'll try to help her all I can, too." 

A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor
   comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms
   or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises
   him as well as he can, with love and compassion.
   After 21 years, the son is old enough for his first drink. Dad takes
   him to the bar and tearfully tells the son he is proud of him. Dad
   orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar
   patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in
   disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol. Swoooop! A torso
   pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy. The
   father, shocked, begs his son to drink again.
   The patrons chant "take another drink!" The bartender still shakes his
   head in dismay. Swoooop! Two arms pops out. The bar goes wild. The
   father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons
   chant "take another drink!" The bartender ignores the whole affair.
   By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches
   down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Swoooop! Two legs
   pop out. The bar is in chaos. The father thanks God. The boy stands up
   on his new legs and stumbles to the left.... then to the right....
   right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs into
   him and kills him.
   The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief. The bartender cleans
   his glasses and whistles an old Irish tune. The father looks at the
   bartender in disbelief and asks, "How can you be so cold and callous?"
   The bartender says, "That boy should have quit while he was a head."

There was a boy who worked in the produce section of the market. One day, a man came in and
asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy told him that they only sold whole heads of 
lettuce, but the man replied that he did not need a whole head, but only a half head. The boy 
said he would go ask his manager about the matter.

The boy walked into the back room and said, "there is some asshole out there who wants to buy 
only a half a head of lettuce." As he was finishing saying this he turned around to find the 
man standing right behind him, so he added, "and this gentleman wants to buy the other half".

The manager okayed the deal and the man went on his way. Later the manager called on the boy 
and said, "you almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed
with the way you got yourself out of it. You think on your feet and we like that around here.

Where are you from son?" The boy replied, "Minnesota sir".

"Oh really? Why did you leave Minnesota" asked the manager. The boy replied, "They're all just 
whores and hockey players up there." The manager was shocked and replied "My wife is from 
Minnesota!!"

The boy answered, "Really! What team did she play for?"