An older woman was in the pastoral study counceling for her upcoming
   fourth wedding.
   "Father," she said, "How am I going to tell my husband that I am still
   a virgin?" "My
   child, you have been a married woman for many years. Surely that
   cannot be," he replied.
   "Well Father, my first husband was a psychologist, and all he wanted
   to do was talk. The
   next one was in construction and he always said he'd get to it
   tomorrow. The last one was
   a gynecologist and all he did was look at it. But this time, Father,
   I'm marrying a lawyer,
   so I'm sure I'm going to get screwed this time!"
   

Why does a blonde only change her baby's diapers once a month?

     Because it says right on the box "good for up to 20 pounds." 

A man with a wooden eye was sitting at a bar one night.
He glanced across the room and noticed a very attractive  
woman with just one flaw, she had a very large nose.  He 
was very self concious about his eye but got up the nerve 
to ask her for a dance. 

"Would you like to dance with me?"he asked.

She replied "Would I!", and he sneered and told her,"BIG NOSE!" 

   Two bananas are lying on a river bank when a turd comes floating by.
   The turd looks over and says, "Hey! Come on in! The water's fine!"
   One banana turns to the other banana and says, "Do you believe that
   shit?"
   

    I HAD A BAD DAY

   It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change
   the admittance policy. The new law was that, in order to get into
   Heaven, you had to have a really bad day the day you died. The policy
   would go into effect at noon the following day. So the next day at
   12:01 the first person came to the gates of Heaven.
   The angel at the gate, remembering about the new law, promptly told
   the man, "Before I can let you in, I need you to tell me about the day
   you died."
   "No problem." said the man. "Well, for some time now, I've thought my
   wife was having an affair. I believed that each day on her lunch hour,
   she'd bring her lover home to our 25th floor apartment and have sex
   with him. So today I was going to come home too and catch them. Well,
   I got there and busted in and immediately began searching for this
   guy. My wife was half-naked and yelling at me as I searched the entire
   apartment. But, damn it, I couldn't find him! Just as I was going to
   give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that
   there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of
   that guy to think he could hide from me! Well, I ran out there and
   promptly stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground.
   But wouldn't you know it, he landed in some bushes that broke his fall
   and he didn't die. This pissed me off even more, so in a rage I went
   back inside to get the first thing I could get my hands on to throw at
   him. And oddly enough, the first thing I could grab was the
   refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony and
   heaved it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him!
   The excitement of the moment was so great that right after that I had
   a heart attack and died almost instantly."
   The angel sat back and though for a moment. Technically, the guy DID
   have a bad day, and it was a crime of passion, so he announced, "OK,
   Sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and let him in.
   A few seconds later the next guy came up. "OK, here's the rule. Before
   I can let you in, I need to hear about the day you died."
   "Sure thing" the man replied. "But you're not gonna believe this. I
   was out on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily
   exercises when I got a little carried away and accidentally fell over
   the side! Luckily however, I was able to catch myself by my fingertips
   on the balcony directly beneath mine. When all of a sudden this crazy
   man comes running out of his apartment and starts cussing and stomping
   on my fingers! Well, of course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes on
   the way down which broke my fall so I didn't die right away. As I'm
   laying there face up on the ground, unable to move and in excruciating
   pain, I see the man push his refrigerator, of all things, over the
   ledge and it falls directly on top of me and kills me!"
   The angel is quietly laughing to himself as the man finishes his
   story. "I could get used to this new policy," he thinks to himself.
   "Very well," the angel announces. "Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven,"
   and he lets the man enter.
   A few seconds later the third man in line comes up to the gate. "Tell
   me about the day you died," said the angel.
   "OK, picture this, " says the man. "I'm naked inside a
   Refrigerator......."