I think my wife is getting a little nearsighted. I woke up this morning, she was sucking on the bedpost.
THE LAND OF OZ Dan Quayle, Newt Gingrich, and Bill Clinton are traveling in a car together in the Midwest, when suddenly a tornado comes along and whirls them up into the air and tosses them thousands of yards away. When they come down and pull themselves from the vehicle, they realize they're in the land of OZ. Naturally, they decide to go to see the Wizard of OZ. Says Quayle, "I'm going to ask the Wizard for a brain." Says Gingrich, "I'm going to ask the Wizard for a heart." Clinton says, "Where's Dorothy?"
What is the difference between a Certificate of Deposit and Intercourse? A Certificate of Deposit has significant penalty for early withdrawl. Sent by Josh
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you. Why do men pass gas more than women? Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure. One golfer tells another: "Hey, guess what? I got a set of golf clubs for my wife!" The other replies: "GREAT trade!" How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it in. What do you call a woman with two brain cells? Pregnant. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always. Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible. I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months-I don't like to interrupt her. Women are so unreasonable! My wife gets mad because every Saturday night I take a bath with bubbles in it. I mean, if Bubbles doesn't mind, why should she? Most accidents happen at home. And the men have to eat them! Some mornings I wake up grouchy...and some mornings I just let her sleep! Bigamy is having one wife too many. Some say monogamy is the same. Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90 percent.... Wedding cake! Marriage is a 3-ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring and suffering.
A new two year degree is being offered at LIFE UNIVERSITY that many of you should be interested in: BECOMING A REAL MAN. That's right, in just six quarters you, too, can be a real man, as well as earn an AA degree (AA Real Men). Please take a moment to look over the program outline. FIRST YEAR: Autumn Schedule MEN 101 Combating Stupidity MEN 102 You Too Can Do Housework MEN 103 PMS - Learn When To Keep Your Mouth Shut MEN 104 We Do Not Want Sleazy Underthings For Christmas Winter Schedule MEN 110 Wonderful Laundry Techniques MEN 111 Understanding The Female Response to Getting In At 4 a.m. MEN 112 Parenting: It Doesn't End With Conception EAT 100 Get A Life, Learn To Cook ECON 001A What's Hers Is Hers Spring Schedule MEN 120 How NOT To Act Like An Asshole When You're Wrong MEN 121 Understanding Your Incompetence MEN 122 YOU, The Weaker Sex MEN 123 Reasons To Give Flowers ECON 001B What's Yours Is Half Hers (Must Pass ECON 001A) SECOND YEAR: Autumn Schedule SEX 101 You CAN Fall Asleep Without It SEX 102 Morning Dilemma: If It's Awake, Take a Shower MEN 201 How To Stay Awake After Sex MEN 202 How To Put The Toilet Seat Down ELECTIVE (See Electives Below) Winter Schedule MEN 210 The Remote Control: Overcoming Your Dependency MEN 211 How Not To Act Younger Than Your Children MEN 212 You, Too, Can Be A Designated Driver MEN 213 Honest - You Don't Look Like Tom Cruise - Especially Naked MEN 230A Her Birthdays and Anniversaries Are Important 1 Spring Schedule MEN 220 Omitting @&*%$#* From Your Vocabulary (Pass/Fail Only) MEN 221 Fluffing The Blanket After Farting Is Not Necessary MEN 222 Real Men Ask For Directions MEN 223 Thirty Minutes of Begging Is NOT Considered Foreplay MEN 230B Her Birthdays And Anniversaries Are Important 2 Course Electives EAT 101 Cooking With Quiche EAT 102 Utilization of Eating Utensils EAT 103 Burping And Belching Discreetly MEN 231 Mother-in-Law MEN 232 Appear To Be Listening MEN 233 Just Say, Yes Dear ECON 001C Cheaper To Keep Her (Must Pass ECON 001B)
