What do people do for fun on Halloween? 

They monsterbate

What did the blonde say when she saw the sign in front of the YMCA?
   "Look! they spelled MACY'S wrong.

   The three dwarves were in rome and went to the nearest nunnery. They
   got to talk to the
   mother superior.
   "Excuse us, but can you tell us where the dwarf nuns are?"
   "Sorry", she replies, "but there are no dwarf nuns here".
   "Well, are there any in the city?".
   "No, there are no dwarf nuns".
   "What, none anywhere in Europe?"
   "No, little man". "None in the entire world". "Take my word for it".
   At this 6 of the seven dwarves burst out laughing.
   The Mother Superior asks "What's so funny?". "Dopey just fucked a
   penguin".
   

After working for years, a hooker finally retired and, being afraid
of spending the rest of her life alone, she decided to marry. She had
been with so many perverted men over the years that she felt she
needed a change and would only get one by marrying a virgin male near
her age.
She took out ads in newspapers around the world seeking a male
virgin who was 55 years old. She finally narrowed her choice to an
Australian computer programmer.
After a thorough background check, she was satisfied that he had
indeed never been with a woman and they were married. On their
wedding night, she went into the bathroom to change into her nightie.
When she came back out, she found that her new husband had taken the
bed and everything in the room and stacked it in one corner of the
room. Thinking this was rather kinky, she said to her husband, "I
thought you had never been with a woman."
He replied, "That's true, but if it's anything like screwing a
kangaroo, we're going to need all the room we can get!

Three old ladies are walking down the street. They are hard of hearing.

One: Whew, it's windy today!
Two: No. Today's Thursday!
Three: So am I! Let's go to a bar!