How are women like elevators? Only about half go down.
If Timex made toasters... They would be cheap and small quartz-crystal wrist toasters that take a licking and keep on toasting.
"How did it happen?" the doctor asked the middle-aged farmhand as he set the man's broken leg. "Well, doc, 25 years ago ..." "Never mind the past. Tell me how you broke your leg this morning." "Like I was saying...25 years ago, when I first started working on the farm, that night, right after I'd gone to bed, the farmer's beautiful daughter came into my room. She asked me if there was anything I wanted. I said no, everything is fine. "Are you sure?", she asked. "I'm sure, I said. "Isn't there anything I can do for you?" she wanted to know. "I reckon not" I replied ... "Excuse me," said the doctor, "What does this story have to do with your leg?" "Well, this morning," the farmhand explained, "when it dawned on me what she meant, I fell off the roof!"
Diary Entries AUG. 12 Moved to our new home in Ohio. It is so beautiful here. The hills are so majestic. I can hardly wait to see them with snow covering them. I love it here. OCT. 14 Ohio is the most beautiful place on Earth. The leaves are turned all the colors and shades of red and orange. Went for a ride through the beautiful hills and saw some deer. They are so graceful, certainly they are the most wonderful animal on Earth. This must be paradise. I love it here. NOV. 11 Deer season will start soon. I can't imagine anyone wanting to kill such a gorgeous creature. Hope it will snow soon, I love it here. DEC. 2 It snowed last night. Woke up to find everything blanketed in white. It looks like a postcard. We went outside and cleaned the snow off the steps and shoveled the driveway. We had a snowball fight (I won), and when the snowplow came by, we had to shovel the driveway again. What a beautiful place. I love Ohio. DEC. 12 More snow last night. I love it. The snowplow did his trick again to the driveway. I love it here. DEC. 19 More snow last night. Couldn't get out of the driveway to get to work. I am exhausted from shoveling. Fucking snowplow. DEC. 22 More of that white shit fell last night. I've got blisters on my hands from shoveling. I think the snowplow hides around the corner and waits till I'm done shoveling. Asshole. DEC. 25 Merry Fucking Christmas! More friggen snow. If I ever get my hands on that sonofabitch who drives that snowplow, I swear I'll kill the bastard. Don't know why they don't use more salt on the roads to melt the fucking ice. DEC. 27 More of that White Shit last night. Been inside for 3 days except for shoveling out the driveway after that snowplow goes through every time. Can't go anywhere, cars stuck in a mountain of that White Shit. The weatherman says to expect another 10" of the shit again tonight. Do you know how many shovels full 10" of snow is? DEC. 28 The fucking weatherman was Wrong. We got 34" of that white shit this time. At this rate it won't melt before the middle of next summer. The snowplow got stuck up the road and that bastard came to the door and asked to borrow my shovel. After I told him I had broken six shovels already shovelling the white shit he pushed into my driveway, I broke my last one right over his Fuckin' Head! JAN. 4 Finally got out of the house today. Went to the store to get food and on the way back damned deer ran out in front of the car and I hit it. Did about $3000.00 worth of damage to the car. Those fucking beasts should be killed. Wished the hunters had got them all last November. MAY 3 Took the car to the garage in town. Would you believe the motherfucker is rusting out from all the goddamn salt they put on the roads? MAY 10 Moved to Florida. I can't imagine anyone in their right mind wanting to live in the God-forsaken state of Ohio.
What do you call a lesbian dinosaur? lick-a-lot-a-pus Sent by rob
