You know you're getting old when you can't tell
the difference between a heart attack and an orgasm. 



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1 


Never murder a man when he's busy committing suicide. 

     - Woodrow Wilson



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2 


Never play peekaboo with a child on a long plane trip.
There's no end to the game. Finally I grabbed him by
the bib and said, "Look, it's always gonna be me!" 

     - Rita Rudner



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3 


Never invoke the gods unless you really want them to appear.
It annoys them very much. 

     - G.K. Chesterton



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4 


Never kick a fresh cow pie on a hot day. 

     - Harry S. Truman



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5