"... I told her the thing I loved most about her was her mind... because
 that's what told her to get into bed with me naked..."
                        -- Steven Wright




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1 


"alt.possessive.its.has.no.apostrophe"
                        -- a real newgroup




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2 


"Ski!:
     A shout to alert people ahead that a loose ski is coming down the
     hill.  Another warning skiers should be familiar with is 'Avalanche!'
     (which tells everyone that a hill is coming down the hill)."
                        -- The Skiers' Dictionary




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3 


"So let me get this straight:

 There are no photos of anyone doing anything at the party because the people
 that were the subjects of the photos weren't doing anything worth
 photographing. Furthermore these people weren't even there because they'd
 never be involved in such things and even if they were there they'd be too
 busy drinking water to be involved in the things that didn't happen because
 they weren't there in the first place. And Garth didn't take these photos
 that didn't get taken. Does this mean that Garth spent the entire evening
 on his own in a room with a camera?

 Now I'm really lost.

 PS: Did he have a glass of water too?"
                        -- me




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4 


"I think I'd like to see a Simpsons episode start up with Bart Simpson
 writing 'I will not attempt to undermine the Usenet cabal.'"
                        -- J.D. Falk, in alt.sysadmin.recovery




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5