A lawyer and the pope were both killed in an accident.
The two were in line to see St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
St. Peter asked the lawyer his name and looked it up in
his book. He then asked the Pope for his name, and looked
it up in his book also. "Now, if you will come with me, I
will show you your eternal dwellings," said St. Peter. They
walked along the clouds and came to a huge mansion with all
sorts of lavish trappings. St. Peter turned to the lawyer
and told him this was to be his house. The Pope, knowing how
important he was to the church could hardly imagine what his
house would be like. St. Peter and the Pope continued on to
a small, beat-up wooden shack. St. Peter told the Pope that
this would be his dwelling. The Pope, shocked, said to
St. Peter, "Just a minute! That other guy was a lawyer and he
gets a mansion. I was the head of the Roman Catholic church,
and this is all the reward I get?" St. Peter looked at the
Pope and said "True, you have done great things. But
we have lots of Popes in Heaven, and that guy was the first
lawyer ever to make it up here."



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1 


A lawyer passed on and found himself in Heaven,
but not at all happy with his accommodations.
He complained to St. Peter, who told him that his
only recourse was to appeal his assignment. The
lawyer immediately advised that he intended to
appeal, but was then told that he would be waiting
at least three years before his appeal could be
heard. The lawyer protested that a three-year wait
was unconscionable, but his words fell on deaf ears.
The lawyer was then approached by the devil, who
told him that he would be able to arrange an appeal
to be heard in a few days, if the lawyer was willing
to change venue to Hell. The lawyer asked: "Why can
appeals be heard so much sooner in Hell?"
The devil answered: "We have all of the judges."



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2 



                                 Bad Jokes
     
   
The following riddles and jokes were made up by BADJOKE.EXE, an MS-DOS
program.  You probably haven't heard most of them.  Please try not to laugh
too hard and feel free to flame as much as you like--we are all like
passengers on the deck of the Titanic discussing what we're going to do when
we get to shore.

How can you tell when a mechanic has been behind your nuclear warhead?
There are nubile lambchops all over your pizza!

How can you tell when a pope has been coming towards your spaceship?
There are laughing travelling salesmen in your banana!

How do you get 100 gargoyles into a nuclear warhead?
Throw in a lawn sprinkler!

Why do motorcycles fold born-again eyeballs?
To diaper their skyscrapers!

Why do policemen have toilets?
So that yaks will disobey them!

What do you get when you cross a Barbie doll and a banana?
An angry nurse!

What did the Democrat say to the kettle drum?
"Ignore my eyeball, you square baby!"

What did the finger say ot the lawn sprinkler?
"Enlist my meatgrinder, you born-again cockroach!"

How can you tell when a water cooler has been beside your mule?
There are schizophrenic bathtubs all over your skyscraper!

Why do nuclear warheads have televisions?
So that photocopiers will interrogate them!

Who was that baby I saw you with last night?
That was no baby, that was my senator!

What do a hot toddler and a fossilized kneecap have in common?
The both eat flying hairballs!

When is a toothbrush not a toothbrush?
When it's a flabby cornfield!

What do you call a garbageman who has married milkmen beside him?
A Communist!

Waiter, there's a cranberry near my polar ice cap!
Shhh!  Everyone will want one!

Why do yaks have fingers?
So that Hare Krishnas will break them!

How do you get 100 horses into a drainpipe?
Throw in a teapot!

What do you get when you cross an escalator and a grandmother?
A thirsty spatula!

What do a lovesick armadillo and a grouchy tank have in common?
They both smash lazy lollipops!

Why do popes bathe automatic horses?
To satisfy their SubGeniuses!

What time is it when a kettle drum steals your senator?
Time to get a new senator!

What do a married shark and a left-handed pocketwatch have in common?
They both visit hi-rise armadillos!

What do you call a guru who has yawning armadillos inside him?
A violin!

Why do ex-convicts have televisions?
So that toilets will dissect them!

How do you get 100 beds into a Barbie doll?
Throw in a toenail!

When is a cornfield not a cornfield?
When it's a worthless whale!

How can you tell when a senator has been inside your bed?
There are hi-rise parking tickets up against your toilet!

Why do TV repairmen have beds?
So that VCRs will visit them!

When is a pencil sharpener not a pencil sharpener?
When it's a religious milk shake!

What do a green photocopier and a gaudy farmer have in common?
They both buy yellow prunes!

Why do armadillos have babies?
So that snakes will steal them!

What do a greedy teapot and a housebroken phonebook have in common?
They both stall born-again BMWs!

What did the toothbrush say to the sloth?
"Smash my horse, please!"

How do you get 100 bums into a hovercraft?
Throw in a vicar!

What did the toenail say to the cookie jar?
"Disobey my eyelid, you drunk landmine!"

Why did the Hare Krishna marry his cornfield?
To enshrine its solar-powered parking ticket!

When is an insurance salesman not an insurance salesman?
When he's a beautiful grandmother!

What do a mellow puppy and an overworked shark have in common?
They both toast gold-plated giraffes!

What do you get when you cross a skyscraper and a TV repairman?
A holographic chicken!

What time is it when a fly swatter touches your toothbrush?
Time to get a new toothbrush!

Why do demons have aerobics instructors?
So that ostriches will cross-examine them!

What do you call a waitress who has brain-damaged pianos on her?
A lima bean!

What do an awe-inspiring fly swatter and a cheap flea have in common?
They both bounce wacky gods!

What time is it when a SubGenius cross-examines your kneecap?
Time to get a new kneecap!

Why do grandmothers enshrine hyperactive sharks?
To befriend their prunes!

Why do toddlers have gargoyles?
So that forks will marry them!
  




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3 


The media have grotesquely skewed the public image of women who choose
   to own firearms. Unfortunately, such exposure can affect one's
   self-image. This test is offered in the hopes of putting these false
   images into a more proper perspective.
   
   Please circle your answers to each below:
   
    1. What is the real meaning of that pink T-shirt with a revolver on
       it that says:
       "The ultimate in feminine protection" ?
         1. Obviously a plot by seditious gun fanatics from the NRA.
         2. I'm amazed the pigs have no law banning women's T-Shirts.
         3. A 9mm for "light days" and a .44 Magnum for "heavy days".
    2. For rape and assault prevention, a whistle is:
         1. All you'll ever need.
         2. Like I'd use yet another phallic symbol.
         3. The signal to open Fire.
    3. The movie "Thelma & Louise" was:
         1. An insidious plot to stamp out femininity and glorify
            violence.
         2. A male ploy to encourage further suppression of women.
         3. A training film.
    4. What was technically wrong with the scene in "Thelma & Louise"
       where the two women disarmed a Texas State Police Officer.
         1. Tacky, tasteless, and altogether gauche I mean pointing guns;
            let alone taking his icky, disgusting gun for their own use.
         2. Only thing I saw wrong was that it took two sisters to disarm
            only one man; not realistic at all.
         3. The dummies left a perfectly good shotgun clamped to the
            dashboard of the cruiser.
    5. A mouse runs across the kitchen floor. The proper response it to:
         1. Climb onto a high stool and scream for a man to help you.
         2. Is it a male mouse or a female mouse ?
         3. Link up the belt feed to the M-60.
    6. You are discussing the local crime stats with your neighbor,
       Ralph, who suggests you buy a .25 caliber pistol for defense. You
       reply:
         1. Never! A woman who buys a gun has humiliatingly surrendered
            to the evil ethos of mindless brute force!
         2. Yeah, like I'm supposed to stand there and let old fat gut
            Ralph leer and drool like he usually does. Men are such pigs
            !
         3. Only to plant in the dead hand of the next little weasel
            stupid enough to give me whimpy advice like that!
    7. What is your reaction to the concept of a bra holster ? [INLINE]
         1. Obscene ! The icon of death with the symbol of nurturing.
         2. What's a bra ?
         3. As long as it doesn't get in the way of my shoulder sling.
    8. Define "male."
         1. The first syllable of "malevolence," which in turn is only
            one letter short of "male violence."
         2. An animal with a one track mind. A brute who feels the need
            to try to control, suppress, double-talk all women
            everywhere.
         3. A quaint anachronism, once useful for protection of females,
            but rendered obsolete by contemporary firepower.
    9. Where, in the scheme of things defensive, do such spray products
       as Mace and CapStun belong?
         1. Nowhere! If you just show your attacker compassion and
            understanding, you won't need nasty things like that.
         2. Yet more products of questionable effect manufactured by the
            male dominated industrial complex to make women feel somewhat
            secure.
         3. In the medicine cabinet; real women use mace instead of
            Feminique.
   10. You are cornered in your home by a knife-wielding intruder. He
       ignores your command to halt, and charges you with the knife
       upraised. How many shots should you fire?
         1. None. It would be better to die or submit than sacrifice
            moral victory by using deadly force. How unseemly and gauche.
         2. As many as I had, assuming the male dominated firearms
            industry would sell me a gun; or let alone ammunition in the
            first place.
         3. A minimum of fifty shots. Hey, how often do you get a chance
            like that to express yourself, and get in touch with your
            feelings?


                              Grading the Exam
                                      
     * If 8 or more of your answers were "1":
       This indicates you're a true pacifist. Perhaps the meek will
       indeed inherit the earth someday, as it is written, but only when
       the rest of us are done with it.
     * If 8 or more of your answers were "2":
       Hey babe -- you're stuck in the 60's sweetheart. Loosen up! A full
       12.7% of you chicks have good jobs and make almost as much us men
       now. I mean like ... What more do you want outta us poor males ?
     * If 8 or more of your answers were "3":
       Don't feel too bad. Society may not yet have a place for you, but
       Hollywood will, as soon as they start casting for the lead role in
       "Bride of Rambo".




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4 


A Girl Scout troop leader suddenly came upon a clearing 
where a young couple was engaged in oral sex. 

"Back ladies, back!" cried the leader. "There's a very 
dangerous beast out there!"

But it was too late, as several of her girls had more-or-less 
seen the deed happening. They asked their leader what it was 
the couple was doing.

"Well, err.... if you must know, uh, they were practicing a 
brand new form of artificial respiration... yeah, that's it, it's 
artificial respiration!"

"WOW!" exclaimed the oldest of the group. "I know which 
merit badge I'm gonna try for next!"



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5