Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle aged couple and a young newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor says, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks." The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks. The pastor goes to the elderly couple and asks, "Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?" The old man replies, "No problem at all, Pastor." "Congratulations! Welcome to the church." said the pastor. The pastor goes to the middle aged couple and asks, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?" The man replied, "The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yes we made it. "Congratulations! Welcome to the church." said the pastor. The pastor then goes to the newlywed couple and asks, 'Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?" "Well Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the young man replied. "What happened?" inquired the pastor. "My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was over come with lust and took advantage of her right there." "You understand of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor. "That's OK." said the young man, "We're not welcome at Safeway anymore, either." Send this joke to a friend 1 There was three guys, one with a rubber dick, one with a wooden dick, and one with a nine foot dick. The guy with the rubber dick couldn't have sex because it wasn't hard. The guy with the wooden dick couldn't have sex because the other person would get splinters. Finally, the third guy with a nine foot dick says, "See that girl over there? Bam. Got her." Send this joke to a friend 2 A little girl was walking along a beach in California when she came across a man with no clothes on and just a newspaper covering his genitals. The little girl said, "What do you have under that newspaper, Mister?" The man said, "Nothing, it's just a bird, now go away!" The man thought nothing of her and quickly fell asleep. Hours later, the man woke up in a hospital bed in excrutiating pain. "Where the hell am I?" A doctor replied, "Someone called 9-1-1 and said you needed emergency help, so we rushed you right over." "Well, what the hell happened to me?" "We don't know, son. Do you remember anything unusual happening to you today?" The man said, "Well, there was a little girl bugging me just before I fell asleep." The doctor sent someone to the beach to see if the little girl was still there, and she was. The person said, "Do you know what happened to that nice man you saw here earlier?" "Well," the little girl said, "I started to play with that nice little bird that he had and the damn thing spit on me. So, I wrung its neck, broke its eggs, and set its nest on fire!" Send this joke to a friend 3 A man entered a restaurant and sat at the only open table. As he sat down, he knocked the spoon off the table with his elbow. A nearby waiter reached into his shirt pocket, pulled out a clean spoon, and set it on the table. The diner was impressed, and asked, "Do all the waiters carry spoons in their pockets?" The waiter replied, "Yes. We had an efficiency expert here that determined that 17.8% of our diners knock the spoon off the table. By carrying clean spoons with us, we save trips to the kitchen." The diner ate his meal. As he was paying the waiter, he commented, "Forgive the intrusion, but do you know that you have a string hanging from your fly?" The waiter replied, "Yes, we all do. That same efficiency expert determined that we spend 21.4% of our time washing our hands after using the men's room. The other end of that string is tied to my penis. When I need to go, I simply pull the string to get my tool out of my pants, go, and then return to work. Having never touched myself, there is no need to wash my hands. Saves a lot of time." "Wait a minute," said the diner, "how do you get your penis back in your pants?" "Well, I don't know about the other guys, but I use the spoon." Send this joke to a friend 4 I admitted to my friend that I hadn't had sex for a while. My friend reassured me that I won't forget it, cuz sex is like riding a bicycle. I know it's been a while, but I don't ever remember pedaling... Send this joke to a friend 5
